Find yourself coming before your partner’s even gotten going? Would you like to learn to slow down and satisfy your partner? Want to enjoy more passionate lovemaking & bigger orgasms, instead of inadvertently shooting your wad before you can say “Oops, I did it again”? For information about telephone sex therapy for premature ejaculation and other issues, call 213.291.9497
Premature Ejaculation is most often described as the inability to delay ejaculation to a point when it is mutually desirable for both partners. It is an extremely common condition for men around the world. So if you suffer from the humiliation and frustration of premature ejaculation (or if your partner does), rest assured that you are not alone. Virtually all males experience premature ejaculation at some time in their lives, usually when they are young. But for many, “coming too fast” remains an ongoing problem, even into old age. Sometimes, ironically, it accompanies impotence and other forms of erectile dysfunction.
Your first premature ejaculation experience can be laughed off as “no big deal,” or it can be so traumatic that you find yourself dropping your bombs before you reach your target again and again. Luckily, there are several fairly simple “cures” for what I call Sexual Quick Draw McGraw Syndrome. With a little understanding, technique, help and practice, you can safely and naturally banish the heartbreaking embarrassment of premature ejaculation forever from your sexual life.
Let’s start with understanding. The Boston Medical Group estimates the premature ejaculation prevalence rate in American males as from 30-70%. Why are these figures so high? Why is premature ejaculation so common? Why is it that most men will prematurely ejaculate at some points in their sex lives, and why do so many do it almost constantly?
Here’s the bottom line in terms of evolutionary biology: Premature ejaculation is natural. It may even be more natural for a man, especially a young man, to come “too” quickly than to control his orgasm long enough to make sex satisfying for himself and his partner. Nature favors premature ejaculators, guys that pop their loads into the next generation before the gal can get away. Those males who come as fast as possible, that is, before the female changes her mind or predators – ancient saber-toothed cats or modern-day parents – arrive to ruin the mood, have tended to reproduce more than guys who take their time. After all, a woman doesn’t need to have an orgasm to get pregnant, nor does the man have to feel like a stud. He just needs to ejaculate inside of her at the right time of month, his potent sperm penetrating her fertile egg. So despite how mortified he might be or how frustrated she might feel, as far as natural reproduction is concerned, the sooner he comes inside her, the better.
But just because premature ejaculation is natural doesn’t mean it’s desirable.
After all, sex isn’t just about procreation; it’s about recreation. It’s also a form of communication. What do you communicate to your partner when you produce the juice before you put it in her caboose? The first time, you could be communicating, “You’re so hot I just couldn’t control myself!” In that sense, one or two episodes of premature ejaculation can be a bittersweet “compliment” to Mr. Quick Draw’s partner who could be considered a “Premature Ejaculation Inducer.” But if you come too fast time and again, you start communicating anxiety, insensitivity and other not-so sexy messages.
More stats from Boston Medical: The average man can usually control ejaculation for 6-10 minutes after penetration. However, the average woman needs approximately 15-20 minutes of sexual activity before she can experience orgasm. By these standards, the entire male race needs to learn how to better prolong erection and sexual stamina.
In a sexually civilized society, gentlemen would be educated in the art and science of ejaculation control. How else are you guys going to learn? After all, someone had to toilet train you, right? But nobody ejaculation-trained you. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones…
Over the years, I have “ejaculation-trained” thousands of men from all over the world. And no, I haven’t had the pleasure of having sex with them all. Most ejaculation training takes place over the phone during the process I call telephone sex therapy. Through deep relaxation, guided masturbation, anatomical education, PC muscle exercise training, erotic hypnosis, fantasy roleplay and other techniques, I help men of all ages last longer, please their partners and wind up with a much bigger orgasmic ejaculation than they ever experienced as Sexual Quick Draw McGraws.
Better Ejaculation Control
1. Grow Up: Premature Ejaculation is most common among young men. If you are under twenty-five, and you’re quick on the trigger, the good news is that you’ll probably slow down as you get older. The “bad” news is that if you want to be a great lover while you’re young and virile, you need to learn a thing or two about discipline. Keep in mind that experience is the greatest teacher. Practice, practice, practice! Older men with premature ejaculation problems tend to lack much sexual experience.
2. Come Again: If you’re young, you may ejaculate sooner than you’d like, but you might also be able to get hard again soon after you’ve come. If so, then don’t worry so much about “premature ejaculate.” Just come naturally, then engage in other forms of lovemaking while you build up towards another erection. This second time around, you are likely to last longer simply because you have less fluid in your seminal vesicles and less urgency to release it. You can “trick” your system by masturbating a few hours before your sexual encounter, so that your urge to come is not so urgent. You can also take Viagra to insure that even after you ejaculate, you’ll have a hard-on. However, I don’t recommend taking Viagra if you don’t have serious erectile dysfunction, because you can easily develop a psychological dependency on it.
3. Breath Deep: Now we’re getting into serious control techniques. When you’re nervous or excited, the natural tendency is to hold your breath. Holding your breath creates tension that demands release, which is one reason for premature ejaculation. Learn to slow yourself down by inhaling deeply and exhaling even more slowly, as practiced by Tantric sex practitioners. Tantra is not for everybody, but its slow deep breathing techniques are excellent for reducing the chance of premature ejaculation.
4. PC Exercise: Ejaculating before you want to–whether it’s after ten minutes or ten seconds—is a sexual *weakness.* If you want to become sexually strong, you need to strengthen the right muscles. For instance, if the muscles in your thighs are weak and you want to run longer, you work out your thigh muscles. So what muscle should a gentleman exercise to strengthen his ability to maintain an erection in different sexual positions without ejaculating? Contrary to popular belief, the penis itself is NOT a muscle–nor does it have a bone, even though they call erections “boners.” Answer: Your PC muscle. No, it’s not your politically correct muscle nor is it personal computer muscle; it’s your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle group that runs from the pubic bone in front to the tailbone in back and supports the pelvic floor. This is the muscle that spasms during orgasm in the male and the female. PC muscle exercise is good for both men and women. To find your PC muscle, pretend that you’re urinating and want to stop the flow of urine by squeezing an internal muscle. Feel it? That’s your PC muscle. Flex or squeeze it for a couple of seconds, then release. And squeeze and release, squeeze and release, breathing in on the squeeze and out on the release. Do the PC muscle exercise ten times in the morning and ten times in the evening, gradually holding squeeze longer each time, and you will eventually gain strength and control. By the way, you can do this exercise anytime, anywhere–sitting, standing, walking around, or lying down. Women should do PC muscle exercises regularly too. A strong PC muscle enhances female orgasm tremendously, along with improving male ejaculation control.
5. Stop/Start Technique: Just like the name says, this method involves arousing the penis to the point before the point of no return and then stopping, pulling out if necessary, and letting your erection go down before resuming the stroking, sucking or thrusting. That is, if your flaccid state is at “0”, and ejaculation is at “10,” then the point of no return would be “9.” So you would need to reduce stimulation or “stop” at level “8” or, if you’re very trigger-happy, at level “7.” The stop/start exercise trains your big head and little head to recognize the points or stages of pleasure before the point of no return. Then, it trains you to stop–maybe for half a second, maybe for about a minute–so you don’t come. It’s a simple exercise that sex therapists and surrogates have been teaching for years, and it really works after about a month or two of practice, if you practice. In fact, you can get so good at this that you can experience multiple orgasms without ejaculation before your final ejaculatory climax.
6. Squeeze Technique: This is the same as the stop/start technique, but just as you stop, you or your lover squeeze the rim of your penis, between the head and the shaft, holding the thumb on top and the first and second fingers underneath. That’s the most popular spot for the squeeze technique. But there’s another spot right in the middle of the base of the penis, above the scrotum, where it meets the pubic bone. Max and other guys swear this is a sure-fire come-stopper.
7. Tease Technique: Erotic Teasing is one of the sexier ways to hold off premature ejaculation. Encourage your partner to tease you, with lots of foreplay, before you penetrate her mouth or vagina. Teasing is also excellent for women, though usually for the opposite reasons. Men need to be teased because it makes them slow down. Women need to be teased because it makes them come around.
8. Drink Up: A little alcohol can help some gentlemen with premature ejaculation last longer. This is not an excuse to get plastered, which tends to give you the opposite problem: erectile dysfunction, a.k.a. drunk dick syndrome. As Porter tells MacDuff in Shakespeare’s MacBeth, alcohol “provokes the desire, but takes away the performance.”
9. Relax: Remember, pressure is the enemy of pleasure. Every guy comes too fast sometimes due to stress, novelty, performance anxiety, or good old-fashioned excitement. If you just do it occasionally, try not to make a big deal about it. You’re likely to make it worse. Just gently and playfully start going through some of the above activities. They’re great sexual muscle-building exercises, even if you don’t have “penis problems.” And don’t let the fact that you came a little earlier than expected stop you from helping your partner to come.
10. Back-Up Your Hard-Drive: Always keep a back-up system for your computer, and always have some sex toys – dildos, vibrators and other goodies – to use on your partner when your personal hard-on is down. Or just go down on her. Most women are more likely to climax from a talented tongue than from a hard penis anyway. Coming “too fast” is relative. Remember that you can always keep going even after you’ve come, with your mouth, hands or toys. Or just make sure that you give your partner an orgasm or two before you get into any of her orifices or, if you’re lightning fast, before you let her touch your penis at all.
11. Examine Yourself: If you’re over thirty, chronically trigger happy and have “no luck” with any of the above exercises, tips and techniques, then you might have a psychological problem. This is not cause to check yourself into the nearest psych ward or start guzzling Prozac (which can wreak havoc on your sense of desire). But you may need to work out some internal conflicts in order to relax and relate, as well as control yourself sexuality. This “tip” calls for examining yourself and your feelings, especially your penis’ feelings. What is your quick-to-come, quick-to-go prick trying to tell you? Could it be that you subconsciously want to get sex over with? Why? What are you afraid of? Answering these questions honestly can lead you into some pretty tough psychological terrain, involving your ambivalent feelings about women and sex, your fears of abandonment (so you come “before” you can be abandoned), your performance anxieties, your guilt about sex, your conflicts over pleasure. If it’s too tough for you to handle alone—and it’s generally not the type of thing you can talk about with friends, family or even your partner—you might want to consult a sex therapist.
12. Enjoy Yourself: Many guys think of sex as a purely penis-driven activity. Give yourself permission to savor the little pleasures of life, love and sex, the touch of your partner’s skin, the smell of her hair. Instead of focusing all your desire in the hyper-sensitive head of your penis, try opening up to pleasure you can experience through your fingers, toes, nipples, buns, lips and tongue. Don’t worry, you’ll come back to your precious penis, but not before you’ve aroused your whole being: body, mind and soul. It takes a little patience, but if you practice, by the time you allow the forces of pleasure to flow freely through your mighty shaft, you’ll find yourself enjoying the biggest, most explosive orgasm ever.
The Dr. Susan Block Institute
The Orgasm Specialists
Free 24-Hour Sex Therapy Info Line: 213.291.9497