Bloody Mary in the morning? Cherry pie in the afternoon? Riding the Crimson Wave into the night and over the moon?
If you love Red Wings (hold the jalapeño), you’re already salivating. If you don’t, well, you may wish to be excused from this berry-stained episode of Sex Calls.
“Steve” is calling for my help with his fetish for “period sex.” Dr. Suzy as “Aunt Ruby” to the rescue! There’s nothing wrong with having sex – even cunnilingus, aka “red wings,” as Steve confesses he enjoys – when a woman is menstruating. In fact, it can be wonderful – albeit a bit messy – especially for the menstruating woman.
After all, period cramps can be painful, and an orgasm is an amazingly effective, organic painkiller.
Parting the Red Sea with Passion…
And then there’s the almost Biblical, extremely taboo aspect of period sex which I address in my Esther Story featured in The Erotic Edge, mingling the “blood of my affliction with the juice of my affection.”
Period sex can also be a “rare” pleasure for the Bloody Mary-loving man, a man like Steve, the primal wildness, the forbidden (sometimes called “unclean“) flavors, the “war paint” aftermath and especially the earthly, womanly “scent.” Some guys even feel it gives them super powers.
Steve’s “concern” is that he is a self-described “sexually active male,” chowing down on “red wings” at two or three different restaurants – I mean, with two or three menstruating women at a time – well, not at the same time (that would be quite the Halloweengore fest!), but within a few days of each other.
At least Steve wears condoms, but still, blood sports are inherently dangerous for a range of reasons. For one thing, it’s “unsanitary,” I caution our bloodied love warrior. It’s also rather unsafe sex. “I believe you should respect your turn-ons,” I advise, “but I also believe you should respect your life… and their lives.”
Do you think Steve is weird? Perhaps, but this Red Wing Gourmet savors the fact that not many men have a taste for strawberry tamales – partly because it makes his lovers love him even more. “You found a niche,” I concur, “kind of like ‘niche marketing’” – especially when you’re as much on the “meat” market as Steve says he is.
Nevertheless, “everything in moderation,” I caution Red Sea surfer Steve. “Be an ethical hedonist… “While I want you to enjoy your fetish, I hope you can treat these women as real human beings and not just as founts of bloody passion.”
Those last four words seem to give Steve an instant erection. Nevertheless, he agrees that a monogamous relationship would be safest for having monthly period sex with the kind of wild abandon he adores.
Like most Sex Calls, this one is timeless, though it does reference my neopuritan nemesis Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’m also wearing a cap HBO gave me while my HBO special (rated #1 at the time), was running, so it was probably broadcast live around 1998.
Will Steve find himself the ultimate red wing(s)? Even if he does, will he be satisfied with just one? Find out in this vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our live Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
Angel calls in on a wing and a prayer, her soft cherubic voice as wishful as it is wistful.
“I’m fearful of sex,” Angel confesses to me, her Mother Confessor, “and I’d like to be more sexual and sensual.”
Fear and sex have had a deeply intertwined relationship ever since our prehistoric ancestors mated in pleasure surrounded by predators right up to the rampant erotophobia of our sex-negative society. Fear can be an aphrodisiac, but it can also be a passion-killer, morphing into its irritating, enervating, party-pooping cousins, anxiety and paranoia. Angel is experiencing all of the above.
Angel’s 29 years old and practically a virgin, having only been with two men, and her second, current relationship is more about exhibitionism, voyeurism and teasing than *regular* sex. She says she and her lover use condoms, but they don’t have intercourse. He also has other partners (he’s a bit of a swinger), which bothers Angel… and turns her on at the same time. Angel may be inexperienced, but she’s kind of kinky.
Anxiety or Aphrodisiac?
She’s also rather religious (with a name like Angel, it’s to be expected), but hers is not a typical religious household because her entire Christian family loves The Dr. Susan Block Show (guess that makes it a “family show”), especially her younger, more sexually experienced sister who likes my attitude and my “outfits.”
Speaking of outfits, it happens to be my 5thwedding anniversary (with my beloved Capt’n Max!), so I’m all decked out in my white bridal crinoline, pearls and wedding veil topped by a sparkling tiara. Its fun, but it’s also always a little scary to be a bride (or groom)!
To contrast with all that pure white, I wield a rather impure, black leather riding crop, twirling it like a baton as Angel tells me about her devout Christian Mom who actually whips her Dad as they roleplay. Well, the religious are often the wild ones. Angel’s swinger/voyeur/lover, whom she describes as the embodiment of “temptation,” sounds like a bit of a snake, and my own pet Akeeta corn snake Eve just happens to be slithering all over my body to demonstrate.
Will Angel open up despite her fear of sex – or because of it? How can such a sweet inexperienced, trusting spirit handle this seductive player who is “playing a dangerous game”? How can she explore the balance of trust and lust, exhibitionism and voyeurism, safe sex and adventurous fantasy? Watch “Fearful of Sex” and find out!
“Fearful of Sex” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998) broadcast live from Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy at the Villa Piacere. This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on my Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at DrSusanBlock.com.
“Dr. Block, I’m having a problem: I have to masturbate at least 10 times before I get up in the morning,” confesses a self-described “older woman” aptly named “Hot Frost” calling in to The Dr. Susan Block Show.
Wow, sounds like it takes a LOT of onanisticorgasms to defrost Hot Frost.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with masturbation – even 10 times before breakfast – but since the sizzling Hot Frost frames it as a “problem,” I suggest she take up belly dancing.
“That is really cool!” replies Hot Frost who is actually quite cool herself, as well as, well, hot.
I’m glad she likes my idea because it just so happens that I have a couple of sexy and very sensuous belly dancers, the lovely Leela and Salome, as guests on this show, lounging voluptuously in my big broadcast bed like its King Solomon’s harem. They agree that belly dancing is a great way to express your sexual energy while you get in shape and socialize. Plus, you get to shake your booty like Leela and Salome in glittering bras and bangles.
Turns out to be the perfect advice for high-energy Hot Frost who happens to be an “erotic dancer.” Max and I invite her to visit the show, and several Saturdays later, she actually shows up, looking even sexier than she sounds… but that’s another show.
“Masturbation Bellydance” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com
Jessica calls into DrSuzy.Tv with the quintessential “lifestyle” issue.
“I’ve had a couple of orgies,” she explains. Wow, 26-years-old and quite the sex party hostess!
The problem, Jessica continues, is that every time she tells a new boyfriend about the orgies, he breaks up with her.
So, she asks me, should she keep her orgiastic exploits a “secret” or find someone who will accept this somewhat taboo part of her?
To Tell or Not to Tell…
That is the question! As I see it, Jessica needs to choose between two schools of sexual adventurism, the European and the American, which break down – more or less – like this:
1) The European Way: You lead a double life and keep your extracurricular secret from your significant other. This is sometimes referred to as cheating, but with the caveat that you will do your utmost to ensure that your partner will never be confronted with the truth. If and when they are, all bets are off. That’s the downside of doing it Euro-style; learning the truth of your partner’s lust can destroy your trust.
2) The American Way: You’re honest about your sexuality, even if it means alienating a potential partner. This might involve engaging in the extracurricular sex with them or just being open about it, even if they don’t join in. I realize that honesty isn’t all that “American” – at least not in politics – but this is how many kinky sex experts differentiate stealthy sex parties (Euro) from honest orgies (USA).
There are probably Asian and African Ways as well, but these seem to break down the basic choices open to Jessica’s conundrum.
Though I choose the “American Way” for myself and generally recommend it to others, I understand and even respect the European “double” lifestyle, despite its inherent dangers. Regardless of the way we choose to mix the flavors of our sex lives with the palate of our day to day, there will always be benefits and pitfalls.
To help her make her own choice, I ask Jessica: Are you the kind of person who likes to share what’s going on in your life with the person you love?
What do you think Jessica says? What way does she choose – European or American? Watch and find out!
“Secret Orgies” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998) broadcast live from Dr. Suzy’s Speakasy at the Villa Piacere in the Hollywood Hills. This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on one of my Saturday night live shows. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
A 34-year-old woman who loves men, Jo can only orgasm when thinking about women, and only from oral sex (not intercourse). So, Jo calls me to help her sort it all out, and Oh-My-Goddess, do we!
Do YOU ever have fantasies that you don’t really want to act out, but nothing makes you climax like these taboo desires, so you wonder… should you act on them?
This is Jo’s dilemma. When she has sex with a man, she can only experience orgasm when he gives her oral pleasure, and as he does that, she imagines that her male lover is a woman.
It’s a simple enough question, but complicated by Jo’s conflicted feelings. Does she *really* want to be with women, or is she enticed by the “forbidden” qualities of lesbian sex, flavored by her devout “Christian” upbringing? When should a fantasy become reality… if ever?
“Bi Oral Desires” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
The Dr. Susan Block Institute is looking for people who are knowledgeable about various disciplines of sexology and are good listeners – empathetic, creative, perceptive and caring – to work with us as tele-therapists in the fields of telephone sex therapy, video therapy and sext therapy.
Prior experience helpful, but not necessary. We’re here to help you succeed in helping our clients.
If you are looking for work that is meaningful, creative and rewarding, but doesn’t require that you commute, this could be a dream position for you.
The Block Institute has been helping men, women, couples and groups from all over the world with sex, love and relationships, as well as what we call “The Bonobo Way” of peace through sharing pleasures, for over 35 years. Though our sex therapy services are totally private and confidential, the Institute also sponsors The Dr. Susan Block Show, featuring many of our techniques and philosophies, which you may have seen on HBO, Vice, cable TV, or heard on broadcast radio, currently on FDRradio.com and DrSusanBlock.Tv.
In your position as a therapist with the Institute, you will be helping a wide variety of people from around the world – from world leaders to truck drivers – most of whom want to talk about something that they can’t talk about anywhere else.
You’ll be helping people, and you’ll learn a lot about people and how they “tic.” It’s like a post-doctorate level course, but you get paid instead of paying for it.
You might not “get rich quick,” but you will earn extra income. How much you earn depends on the time you can work.
You must pass a background check. You must be over 18 years old. You must have a good phone with excellent reception and a quiet, private, work space to talk over the phone or webcam.
For further information and an interview, please call us at 213.670.0066. Ask for Harry.
Do you like exciting sexual positions – but also want to be comfortable? Fiancés “Robert and Angie” both enjoy sex “from behind,” aka doggie-style. Now Robert would like to “do” Angie in a twist on the Reverse Cowgirl Position involving her sitting on top of him, her back facing his chest. However, he says, “it’s hard for her.” Actually, adds Angie, “it hurts,” and Robert doesn’t want to hurt her. So, they call me up for advice in “Reverse Cowgirl Positioning.”
Acknowledging Angie’s pain, I try to address the general discomfort and danger of Reverse Cowgirl. Plus Robert’s method of doing it gives Angie no leverage or control of the depth of his penetration. Moreover, they both agree, Robert is rather well-endowed, adding inches to the problem.
Since Angie does like sex from behind and wants to give this a try, I suggest they do it in steps, first assuming regular Cowgirl, face-to-face with Robert on his back and Angie on top, getting in the groove with lots of lube. Once Angie is very comfortable and Robert is very hard, she can try swiveling around to Reverse Cowgirl, taking her time and taking control, using her thigh muscles to adjust how deeply Robert penetrates her, so it never has to hurt.
Then… Giddyap! Ride ‘im Cowgirl!
“Reverse Cowgirl Positioning” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our live Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com. For more on sexual positions, go to https://drsusanblock.com/sex-positions.
Just because you love your husband doesn’t mean you can climax during sex with him. Lauren calls into DrSuzy-Tv with precisely that problem, and I think that the questions she asks – along with my answers – can help many couples have better, more pleasurable and orgasmic sex lives.
Lauren has a lot of questions! I try to answer them all, including:
Why is it that she – like so many women – can climax easily through solo sex, but not via intercourse with her husband?
How can you integrate masturbation into lovemaking?
How do you stop worrying about what society or your parents might think of you masturbating?
What can we do about our embarrassment, anxiety or fear of losing control – which can prevent orgasm?
Why do we so often hold our breath during sex?
How does breathing deeply *into* your pelvis help you to experience orgasm?
How do kegel exercises – squeezing and releasing the pubococcygeus (PC muscle) – help you to experience orgasm?
What is the difference between “achieving” and experiencing orgasm?
Is orgasm from just penetration somehow better than a clitoral orgasm – or is that just an “Old Husband’s Tale”?
Why is it easier for most women to experience orgasm from clitoral stimulation than vaginal penetration?
How important is lubrication and cunnilingus for female orgasm?
Why is the clitoris called the “pearl of the oyster”?
What is the difference between genital orgasms and “eargasms,” “toegasms,” and “nipplegasms”?
Why is the clitoris involved in almost any female genital orgasm?
How can we be more patient with ourselves and take the time we need for good sex?
How is couples sex an art form? A spiritual practice? A team sport?
“How to Orgasm with Your Husband” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on my Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
Have a question about marital sex? Or is there something else you need to talk about that you can’t talk about anywhere else? Experience Phone Sex Therapy. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime: 213-291-9497. We’re here for you.
Let’s talk about Female Ejaculation. Is it real? Is it normal? Is it common? Is it *really* just a golden shower? Can any woman ejaculate? Why don’t more women actually do it? How do squirting women’s partners feel about it? On “Female Ejaculation Concerns,” Laurie calls in to ask me these questions and others about female ejaculation (FE), aka squirting – the orgasmic release of fluids from the urethra – live on the air.
“Female Ejaculation Concerns” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show, circa 1998, when hardly anybody knew about FE, let alone talked about it.
We did talk about it on The Dr. Susan Block Show, and eventually I learned to squirt – live on the air – and began teaching others to squirt or help their partners to squirt. And let me tell you, it’s Holy Water, Brothers & Sisters!
This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
A Cougar/Cub couple with a twist, “Steven and Regina,” a young man and an older woman in a four-year relationship, call in to talk with me about the ups and downs of intensive fantasy roleplay, communication issues, shaving and waxing vs. natural pubic hair, playing doctor, age play kinks, taboo turn-ons, erotic obsessions, and other questions of love, lust and trust arising within their passionate four-year relationship, in “High Maintenance Roleplay.”
More subjects of discussion include spanking, pigtail fetish, the importance of differentiating between real life and adult fantasies, dressing for sex, erotic domination, bondage, conscious kink, variety, having sex on the dining room table, using BBQ tongs as sex toys, turning the sexual tables, and appreciating your partner for the adult woman she is, even though you like to fantasize about her being a schoolgirl.
How do I help Steven and Regina to respect each other’s boundaries, enjoy each other’s kinks and explore a deeper, more loving and even wilder, more exciting relationship? Watch “High Maintenance Roleplay” and find out!
“High Maintenance Roleplay” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on one of my Saturday night live shows. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
Internationally renowned SexologistDr. Susan Block talks about “Bisexual Monogamy” with Alex and Mark, a young woman and man in love, both of them bisexual, yet struggling with his desire to be monogamous and hers to be free to explore other women and even threesomes.
Subjects of discussion include relationships, bisexuality, monogamy, nonmonogamy, ethical hedonism, physical attraction, emotional commitment, self-pleasure and teaching your partner how to please you: “You can give pleasure by giving freedom to be with other people,” says Dr. Block. Also intercourse vs. outercourse and orgasm repression: “It seems that you don’t want to close off your options,” Dr. Block determines, “so you close off your orgasm.”
“Bisexual Monogamy” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on Dr. Block’s Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
Have a question, confession or fantasy, but need to talk privately? Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime: 213-291-9497. We’re here for you. Visit us: https://drsusanblockinstitute.com/bi-curious
Just married and looking to explore their kinks without hurting their marriage, Irene and Evan call me for help with balancing lust with trust, power play, communication, BDSM, bisexuality, threesomes, Tantra, exhibitionism, boundaries and privacy.
“Kinky Newlyweds” is a vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998) broadcast live from Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy at the Villa Piacere. This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on my Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.
Have a question, confession or fantasy, but need to talk privately? Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime: 213-291-9497. We’re here for you. Visit us: https://drsusanblockinstitute.com/kink
Do you like older women? Actually, do you just love older women?
Have you ever been intimate with a sexy, experienced female who happens to be a year or two—or maybe a couple of decades—older than you? Have you thought about it?
Have you ever fantasized about your sultry history teacher, a celebrity influencer or maybe that beautiful, sophisticated politician on TV? Or did your doctor give you some additional symptoms?
If you feel this way, you’re not alone. You just want to get with a Cougar.
Then again, maybe you are a Cougar, or you’d like to be one…
What’s a “Cougar”
First, let’s define our terms. What do we mean by “Cougar”? No, we’re not talking about the wildcat. Though, it’s understandable if you’re fascinated by these majestic feline animals. Like pumas or panthers, American wildcat cougars are big, beautiful, powerful pussies who could possibly eat you alive, if they’re hungry.
A human “Cougar” is a hot older woman who enjoys younger men—or women, or anyone else for that matter. The Cougar deliberately seeks out younger lovers for relationships and casual encounters, often acting as a sexual guide or teacher, based on her greater erotic experience.
Urban Dictionary defines a human Cougar as “an ‘older,’ experienced woman who happens to find herself in a sexual relationship (committed or not) with a younger man. She is not necessarily a slut, nor is she desperate. She offers sexual expertise and is open to new experiences…Though older, she may actually look younger than her ‘hook-up.’ She is attractive, confident, and just wants to have fun. She will not attempt to trap her mate into marriage, children or even an exclusive relationship. She is not interested in drama or games, as that would interfere with the pleasure she enjoys.”
That’s a good definition of the ideal Cougar. Not all are quite so superlative. Some are “desperate.” Some “play games.”
Cougars are human too—despite their formidable feline powers.
Just like in the wild, even the fiercest Cougar adores her playful cubs.
Nevertheless, they can be the most fabulous creatures on earth!
MILF vs. Cougar
Is a Cougar a MILF? Not necessarily. While a Cougar can be a MILF (Mother I’d Like to F*ck), a MILF is not always a Cougar. However, the two are often closely associated, and a woman can sometimes be both a MILF and a Cougar. Stifler’s Mom in American Pie comes to mind, or the notorious Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate. “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?”
In sexual parlance, the MILF serves as an object of desire. Her feelings are not as significant to her “MILF” status as the fact that she is a mother, and her sex appeal—her body, her style, that *look* she gives you when she asks you to mow her lawn. She herself may or may not be interested in sex; what makes her a MILF is that she looks and/or sounds sexy. Technically, the Virgin Mary could be a MILF, if you’re turned on by halos. Also, a MILF can be any age, older or younger than the MILF lover.
Cougars, on the other hand, are always older than their lovers. They also are, by definition, very interested in sex. Cougars deliberately seek out erotic encounters and relationships with younger partners. When they find someone they want, they might well pounce… like a cougar. Cougars can be MILFs, but some are child-free. The significant factor that separates the Cougars from the MILFs—or anyone else—is their profound desire, coupled with confidence.
This is partly biological, as women tend to reach their sexual “prime” in their late thirties—mid-forties, which is also prime Cougar time. But not every woman 35-45 is a Cougar. That takes a special kind of prowess. Not only do you have to be sexy enough to attract younger lovers, bold enough to approach them and energetic enough to keep up with them, you also have to handle rejection gracefully. No matter how irresistible your magic mirror says you are, not every potential young lover wants to be your cub. Though you can comfort and re-energize yourself with the knowledge that there are plenty out there who do.
Is a Cougar a “Hot Wife“? Possibly, but not necessarily. If she’s married, perhaps to an older man who can’t keep up with her sexually, she might cuckold him with a young cub (with or without his knowledge), and then she’d be a Hot Wife.
But Cougars can also be single, polyamorous or some category of their own ingenious invention.
Are YOU a Cougar?
Do you prefer younger lovers? Do you feel younger than your chronological age?
Is great sex important to you? Is it more important than what other people think?
Have you noticed partners your own age just can’t keep up with you—in bed, on the dance floor, in the great outdoors or anywhere?
Are you a sexually experienced woman unashamed of your “past,” but excited to share what you’ve learned with others?
Are you unafraid to pursue what you want? Can you handle the “no” word? Can you take a joke?
Are you fairly independent? Those wildcat cougars tend to be solitary creatures that mostly socialize when they seek a mate. Human Cougars aren’t antisocial—not at all—but they do tend to be self-reliant.
Can you relate (at least sometimes) to current youth culture and music?
Would you be comfortable with paying for dates and other things? If they were worth it, would you be someone’s “Sugar Mama”?
Are you young at heart and open for adventures you can’t even imagine?
If your answer is “yes” to half those questions, you’re a Cougar!
Or, you could say, you’re “Cougar Sexual.” Or maybe “Cougarsexual.” Kind of like “pansexual” or “sapiosexual,” but with the focus on the mature female (of any gender, really; I know some feminine—but not trans—gay men who consider themselves Cougars) who take younger lovers.
Little did young Massimo know he had entered the den of a Cougar and her cubs, but soon enough, he became her favorite.
Warning: When I say “younger,” I’m not talking under-age, of course. No jailbait please! Obviously, that’s illegal, unethical and all kinds of wrong. All “cubs” must be over 18. If you’re not sure, ask to see an ID… before you’re in bed. Seriously, you can’t be too careful. When in doubt, bow out.
Cougarsexuality is more socially acceptable than ever in civilized history, but with equal opportunity comes equal responsibility. Irresponsible Cougars who are caught going after underage teen students are being prosecuted and receiving hefty prison terms. They also have the words “sex offender” stamped on their record like a modern day “Scarlet Letter.”
It’s not just about age, it’s also about consent. You’re a human Cougar, not a ravenous mountain cat, so make sure your *prey* is at least somewhat interested before you pounce.
One of the Cougar’s most appealing qualities is that she tends to take the lead. A lot of people love to be chased by attractive pursuers, men included—especially men, as men are so rarely chased! Nevertheless, don’t take the so-called *predator* role of real cougars as your model.
And no pouncing on actual students or patients of yours, dear teachers, professors and fellow doctors! Though roleplay can be a fantastic way to fulfill these common but taboosexual fantasies.
This might sound like a lot of restrictions for a human wildcat. Nevertheless, the world can be your proverbial oyster if the object of your desire is of legal age, doesn’t involve “exploitation” of your professional position and isn’t your best friend’s son… well, maybe your best friend’s son (if over 18) would be okay. Then again, probably not.
Choose wisely, Madame Mountain Cat!
Are You a Cub?
No, I’m not talking about Chicago baseball, though you might be playing a game that involves your bat and balls.
Basically, if you’re attracted to Cougars, you’re a “cub,” the older cat’s younger, playful, adorable companion.
Of course, the actual wildcat’s cub is her own offspring, while a human Cougar isn’t her cub’s real mother… at least not usually, though it’s a common fantasy, as evidenced by the extreme popularity of my friend Kay Parker (who played the Mom, Barbara Scott, in the notorious film Taboo).
Cubs can be male, female, trans or gender-fluid. However, most of the time, cubs are men, though they might feel and act like boys—or “boy toys”—around their Cougar.
In terms of kink, a cub could be dominant or submissive to his Cougar.
Unless the cub is a very low-level slave to a Cougar Domme, the erotic feelings tend to be mutual. Just like in the wild, even the fiercest Cougar adores her playful cubs.
Most sexual fetishes and preferences stick with you for a lifetime, but for many people, desiring a Cougar or cub could be a temporary phase. For instance, a man might prefer Cougars in his teens and twenties, but then settle down in his thirties to have a family with a woman his own age or younger. A woman might marry an older man; then after she’s widowed or divorced, she could come out as a Cougar. She might stay a Cougar the rest of her life or, after a few flings with cubs, go back to being with older guys.
The fact that wanting or being a Cougar or cub is often a temporary phase isn’t, in and of itself, a good or bad thing. However, it’s something to keep in mind when one of you seems to be more serious about a long-term relationship than the other.
Why Cougars Attract Cubs
The most popular Cougar quality is her sexual experience and the fact that the cub can learn from that experience.
Many young men are unsure about what to do to please a woman, as well as how to stay hard, bring up a fetish or fantasy, try new positions, or just relax and enjoy themselves, and a good Cougar can help them with all of that. They can also be embarrassed to tell a woman what arouses them. A good Cougar can draw them out and, thanks to her experience, she tends to have a good idea of what positions, techniques, fantasies and “dirty talk” turn her partners—and her—on.
A sexual relationship with an experienced Cougar can be like enrolling in a college of carnal knowledge where you’re majoring in your sexuality. You can *be yourself* with your Cougar, as she isn’t so easily shocked, though, like any teacher, she usually demands respect from her student.
My husband Max (Massimo in Italian) often says he was “raised” by Cougars. He was first approached by a beautiful older woman when he was a very handsome but rather shy teenager hanging out on the beach in Genoa, Italy. In her late thirties (twice his age!), Angelina took young Massimo to her palatial cabana where dozens of other young men were lounging around, drinking and smoking. Little did young Massimo know he had entered the den of a Cougar and her cubs, but soon enough, he became her favorite.
Alas for Angelina, things change quickly in the life of a cub, and within a few weeks, young Massimo was onto Cougar #2. Myria Selva, renowned Italian actress, seduced him while he was waiting on her table at the restaurant by the Eleanora Duce State Theater where she was starring in a play. Later, Myria got Massimo a part in that play, he moved in with her and her two chihuahuas, and the young cub learned everything his Cougar could teach him about sex, romance, women and the theater. Myria passed away in 2013, but I know she will live forever in Massimo’s heart as that remarkable older woman who guided him onto a path of joyous sexuality, feminine beauty, fantastic theater and great erotic art.
Besides sexual maturity, a Cougar’s experience often brings emotional maturity, almost always a bonus in an adult relationship. A Cougar’s sexual confidence is one of her most alluring qualities. Cougars tend to be independent and not as needy as young drama queens, nor are they as likely to exact revenge if things don’t work out.
Ben Franklin Loved Cougars!
Don’t just take my word for it. Ask America’s greatest Founding Father, Benjamin Franklin who, in Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress), gives several reasons why more mature women make better lovers than younger ones.
Some of these “reasons” are rather sexist and dated, but others are timeless, like:
“Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.”
“Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion.”
“Lastly, they are so grateful!”
Ben goes on at greater length, with flourish. According to historic accounts, he really did like Cougars (especially the European *breed*) and is rumored to have had affairs with several and probably could have written The Cougar Almanac for Young American Cubs at Home and Abroad.
Cougar Problems
Of course, not all Cougars are wonderful, discreet, experienced, ideal sex teachers. After all, as Capt’n Max often says, the ideal is the enemy of the real.
A Cougar could be inexperienced; perhaps trapped in a sexless marriage for 20 years before she makes a break and finds a younger lover. A Cougar could be immature, mean and rather ungrateful. Rich widow Cougars are more likely to be that way… but they make up for it—sometimes—by financing your wardrobe, meals and art projects.
For any rule, there are always exceptions—especially when it comes to love and sex.
From the Cougar’s viewpoint, life isn’t always a bed of roses—with the perfect cub in the middle—either. At least, not without thorns. All real roses have thorns.
Then there’s the perverse little matter of social customs. Though a Cougar’s confidence and experience are her greatest, sexiest strengths, they can also be a kind of curse, intimidating people who are comfortable with more traditional gender roles.
Times are a’changing, but the double standard remains. Men still usually pair up with younger women—both in real life and on screen, for casual sex and serious relationships—and as men grow older, very often their female partners get even younger, especially if the men are successful. Well, that’s capitalism for you!
Though inconsistent and often unfair itself, the #MeToo movement is moving society towards a more critical view of such pairings where the guy’s a lot older than the gal, as well as a more open attitude to the Cougar/cub relationship. Nevertheless, for the most part, the majority of human societies accept a man dating or marrying a woman four decades younger than him as *normal.* In contrast, if a woman is just a few years older than her male partner, it’s often considered quite scandalous, or at least taboo.
In part, this is due to biology; women usually can’t bear children past their forties, which is when Cougar’ing often gets in gear—while men (usually with a little help from Viagra) can technically reproduce until they’re flatlined. So, men *should* desire younger women, and women *should* be attracted to older men (who can presumably provide for their inevitable children), at least according to evolutionary psychology which says we are all driven by reproduction.
Perhaps, but that drive to reproduce doesn’t always translate into actually reproducing. Not everybody wants to have biological children, and in our human-heavy world, being “child-free” can be a good thing for the individual and society. Sometimes that “drive to reproduce” that we all innately possess is channeled into great art, service to humanity, romance, adventure and/or awesome Cougar sex.
So… what’s the big deal?
The “big deal” is tradition, religion, repression, patriarchy and paranoia. These are some of the ancient sources for the societal messages that whisper, sing and shout at us that a mature woman with a younger man is an abomination, a sin, an embarrassment, a disaster or just plain wrong.
So, whether you’re the Cougar or the cub, don’t be surprised if your friends and family—not to mention your church, temple, therapist and most of pop culture—try to dissuade you from this path. It is not for the weak… though it makes you weak in the knees.
As of this writing, pop icon Madonna (aged 62) is being dragged on social media as “distasteful” for showing PDA (public displays of affection) with her 27-year-old boyfriend, Ahlamalik Williams. One commenter said, “It is sad to see that Madonna can’t age with grace [and] is trying to act younger.”
Would the same be said about a man of Madonna’s age with a woman of Ahlamalik’s age?
And what exactly does it mean to “age with grace”? To confine your playtime to grandchildren, your skirts to below-the-knee, your hair to silver-grey and your sex life to nonexistent?
Perhaps, another way to “age with grace” is to be an elegant erotic guide to eager young students of sex.
Of course, Madonna gets more than her share of “Go Girl!” comments too; she’s Madonna! And part of what makes Madonna “Madonna!” is her ability to transcend the haters and just do what she wants, and that includes taking lovers (and husbands) who are almost always younger than her (see below).
So, if you’re confident, sexy and energetic like Madonna—or like YOU—you’ve got what it takes to assume the title of Cougar.
With a little luck, your cub could even be elected President of France! When Brigitte Trogneux Macron first began seeing Emmanuel Macron, they met in secret; their love was so forbidden. Not only was she 25 years older than him, but she was also his high school drama teacher. Despite the stigma, they persevered, fell more deeply in love, and eventually came out to their families and the world. Now Emmanuel is President of France and Brigitte is First Lady. Talk about a cub/Cougar power couple. Rowl!
Cougar by Numbers
Though the Cougar/cub combo is still considered taboo, the numbers are growing, even for long term relationships.
The amount of marriages where the woman is five to ten years older than her spouse is small (5.4 percent and 1.3 percent, respectively), but they have doubled between 1960 and 2007, according to census data.
It’s cool to “go your own way,” but there’s strength—and respect—in numbers, and the numbers are running with the Cougars!
Looking to talk with sexually mature woman who can teach you a thing or two about sex? We’re available anytime. Call us now at 213.291.9497.
Some Cougar History
Honored and maligned, beloved and despised, mature women have been taking younger lovers throughout history and probably prehistory as well.
Cougars also appear in ancient mythology. One of the earliest mythological and most famous Cougars of all time is Aphrodite (Venus to the Romans), Greek Goddess of Love, Sex and Beauty who has many younger lovers—including her own son, Eros! But her favorite mortal cub is Adonis, so handsome, other gods and goddesses fall for him as well, though Aphrodite is, was and always will be his great immortal Cougar love. According to legend, the Goddess of Love’s favorite cub never grows old. Adonis dies young, killed by a wild boar sent by jealous Artemis, Virgin Goddess of the Hunt, but the young cub’s love for his Cougar Aphrodite remains eternally strong.
The Greek playwright Euripides displayed a less sanguine view of Cougars, cubs and cuckolds in Hippolytus (428 BCE), the tragedy of Phaedra, beautiful wife of famed hero Theseus who falls in love with her stepson, Hippolytus, who most vehemently does not love her back, resulting in terrible fates for the whole family. If you’re looking for inspiration to explore the Cougar life—or that of the cub or cuckold (Theseus is the paranoid cuckold)—do NOT read Hippolytus!
My French teacher made us read Jean Racine’s version of Phaedra (en français, s’il vous plaît) in my junior year—when I was a bit of a Cougar as I was dating a sophomore—and honestly, it disturbed me so much, I never took another French class. Though I love France!
Speaking of France, one of the greatest Cougars in history was Diane de Poitiers (1499-1566), mistress of the French King Henry II. When she was 35, the beautiful, bold, charming and athletic Diane seduced the teenage Prince Henry. This would be considered statutory rape now, and even then, though not illegal, it was unusual. Nevertheless, they fell in love, and when Henry was crowned King, Diane de Poitiers became a powerful royal mistress, lasting even through the King’s official marriage to Catherine de Medici (who is said to have invented high heels—possibly so she could look her rival in the eye). Besides being the Queen of French Cougars before anyone called them “Cougars,” Diane was an “influencer” B.I.G. (Before Instagram), posing for the finest painters of the time with her cub the King, her beloved horses, suggestive stags and symbols of France, as well as delightfully nude.
Catherine the Great (1729-1796) ruled 18th century Russia for three progressive decades and enjoyed at least a dozen different lovers, most of them younger than her. She started by cuckolding her husband Peter III, and picked up speed as a Cougar after his death. Catherine “loved to be in love,” especially with younger swashbuckling soldiers. Her most famous cub was Prince Grigory Potemkin who, as he grew older, encouraged his Empress to take even younger lovers. But no, though she was a great equestrian, and rumors abound, there’s no proof that Catherine the Great ever had sex with her horse.
One of the most notorious Cougars of the 20th century was the sultry Mae West. Though Mae reigned over a revolving stable of real-life cubs (in her later years, it was part of her act), she also had a long-time lover, the handsome Paul Novak, who was 30 years her junior. Beyond her inner circle, there were all her younger fans—virtual cubs—including the late great producer of most of my HBO specials, Dave Bell. Though I was already pretty bawdy, Dave encouraged me to model my on-screen *character,* in part, on Mae’s seductive, witty, older-womanly persona.
Mae was the ultimate Cougar/comedienne, and unlike most comics of yesteryear, her jokes are still funny. Like a fine wine or *well-preserved* veteran of multiple love affairs, some of Mae’s witticisms have grown wittier with age:
Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.
A hard man is good to find.
When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.
“Cougar” Term Origins
Despite their powerful, undeniable *influence,* nobody called these bold older ladies who take younger lovers “Cougars” until the 1980s when, urban legend has it, the term “Cougar” entered our erotic lexicon through “locker room talk.”
Apparently, the Vancouver Canucks hockey team, when teasing each other about the mature female fans on the prowl for players, referred to these older ladies as “Cougars.” In 1999, Cougardate was launched online, and Toronto Sun journalist Valerie Gibson wrote a story about it in 2001 which, in 2008, became a book, Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men.
In 2003, Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrell) and Smith Jerrod (Jason Lewis) embarked upon a steamy and very intimate long-term romance in “Sex and the City.” A few years later, the TV sitcom Cougar Town (2009-2015) followed the exploits of a divorced MILF (Courtney Cox), often shown sipping a glass of red wine. A sultry mom of a teenage son who dates younger men, this Cougar winds up marrying her divorced same-age neighbor. Meanwhile, on the high seas, Carnival Cruise line ran a “Cougar Cruise” that drew over 300 attendees, but apparently, it was too Carnivalesque for Carnival.
But the Cougar Party isn’t over!
Are you looking to explore some memories or fantasies of the Cougar on your mind? You can talk to the Therapists Without Borders who are eager to speak with you. Give us a call at 213.291.9497.
Celebrity Cougars
With the advent of the Feminist and Sexual Revolution in the 1960s and 70s, and progressive, sex-positive movements, and the general decline in religiosity over the last four decades, there has been greater social acceptance of older women dating younger men, and celebrities are at the forefront of this transformation.
Celebrities are the gods, goddesses and empresses of our times, so it’s no wonder Celebrity Cougars are on the prowl like Aphrodite or Cate the Great. Though it could just as easily be the young Adonis—or Potemkin—“cub” that takes the lead, as in the case of super hunk Jason Momoa who fell head over heels for Lisa Bonet from his living room TV set, watching her on the old Cosby Show when he was a kid in Hawaii. He even told his own mother, “Mommy I want that one,” even though (or because) she was (and still is!) a dozen years his senior. Soon enough, young Jason grew up (and boy, did he grow) and pursued his dream. Sometimes, celebrity crushes are best left in the Erotic Theater of the Mind, but sometimes dreams come true, and cub Jason and Cougar Lisa are now married (together over 14 years) with a beautiful blended family.
In the early 2000s, Demi Moore and 15-years-younger Ashton Kutcher’s Cougar/cub marriage brought the term to the forefront of pop culture, though Demi said she prefers to be called a “Puma.” Technically, a “Puma” is supposed to be in her thirties, while Demi was in her forties at the time, but who’s counting? Whichever wildcat you prefer, following her rather tempestuous split with cub Ashton (who married the five-years-younger Mila Kunis), Demi has since dated other younger men.
There’s also Heidi Klum, 16 years older than Tom Kaulitz; Janet Jackson and Wissam Al Mana (she’s nine years older); Kate Beckinsale and Goody Grace (24 years difference); Lesbian Cougar Ellen Degeneres and her “cubbette” wife Portia de Rossi (15 years apart); Priyanka Chopra who is 10 years older than Nick Jonas; Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade, (they have a decade between them); Sam Taylor-Wood (54) and Aaron Taylor-Johnson (30); Selling Sunset reality personalities Mary Fitzgerald and Romain Bonett (12 years apart); Hugh Jackman and Deborah Lee-Furness, (13 years apart), and the Cougar/cub list goes on.
I also consider Meghan and Prince Harry to be Cougar and cub; she’s three years older than him, which isn’t much, but it’s another little tweak of British royal tradition. Though it follows a different facet of that same tradition, since Harry’s great grand-uncle, King Edward VIII, married another controversial American divorcee, the notorious Cougar Wallis Simpson, two years older than the King who abdicated the throne for her.
No doubt, if there was a Ms. Cougar Pageant, there would be a lot of competition, but Madonna, the quintessential Cougarsexual Material Girl, would probably take the crown. She’s had older boyfriends like Warren Beatty (which may have been a Dick Tracy PR play), but she is famous for her “boy toys,” praised and pilloried whenever their photogenic PDAs appear. She started her Cougarsexual adventures with model Tony Ward (five years younger), then dated (to name just a few) Tupac, David Blaine, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman, Anthony Kiedis, Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie (she married these two cubs), Alex Rodriguez, and the youngest cubs, Brahim Zaibat, Timor Steffens and most recently, kissable smokable Ahlamalik Williams.
She pulls it all off with flair. Madonna makes the Cougar life seem downright in Vogue.
The Legend of Cougar Liz Warren
Could the feisty U.S. Senator from Massachusetts be a Cougar?
While running for President, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren suddenly found herself in the midst of a three-ring media circus casting her as the ferocious “Cougar” in the center ring. It all started when the goofball grifter team of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman, a couple of far-right tRump supporters and notorious “sexual assault” fraudsters, held a bizarre, quasi-kinky and laughably sanctimonious press conference, elaborately accusing Senator Warren of the high *crime* of Cougarsexuality.
The leading man of their slapstick project, Kelvin Whelly, a 25-year-old, “decorated,” hunky, but not-too-sure-of-his-script Marine/escort/cub, claimed he was Liz’s BDSM sex slave or Master or whatever (where’s that script?) for $1000 a visit, more or less, plus tips and Uber rides. After allegedly connecting through a Cougar/cub dating site called “Cowboys for Angels,” he said they met in various hotels for “not just rough sex, but extensive BDSM play” and other “deviant sexual activities” with a “cat o’ nine tails” (which he procured from Amazon, “as we all do”) and “a lime green strap-on dildo (bringing to mind a disturbing image of Sean Spicer in Dancing with the Stars).” Lacking proof or coherency, poor Whelly and Wohl’s “case” collapsed like a limp cowboy.
However, if Elizabeth Warren really was or is a kinky cougar wielding a cat o’ nine tails and a strap-on dildo of any color on a hunky twenty-something cub, well, more power to her.
I especially appreciate Liz herself tweeting a snappy response to the accusations, establishing herself as America’s Queen of Shade (at least for that media cycle), slapping the douchebags down, making a titillating little pun, and staying on point with her “plan” for canceling student debt: “It’s always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semester at the University of Houston (go Cougars!). We need to cancel student debt and make college free for everyone who wants it.”
Go Cougars!
Hello Cougar Sally Mullins
If you have a slightly “dirty” mind like me, you’re probably wondering if there’s a porn parody of the Boston Cougar, maybe “Jizz on Liz” or “Whorin’ for Warren.” Well, wonder no more: “Hello Cougar” comedienne, frequent DrSuzy.Tv guest and multiple SUZY award winner, Sally Mullins, aka porn star Jamie Foster, pounced on it. Her uncanny resemblance to Elizabeth Warren, dressing and acting the part in films like Scorin’ with Warren, makes her the perfect Liz Warren Porn Parody Doppleganger.
Unlike Liz, Sally Mullins is a proud real-life cougar. Blonde and bawdy as a modern-day Mae West, we met Sally in 2017 on Kink Month III: Night of the Cougar, when she was our featured guest promoting her “Hello Cougar” show that showcased her erotic encounters with cubs. She came back to Bonoboville for Cougar Kink to promote “Cookin’ 4 Pussy,” in which potential suitors would whip up something delicious for her in exchange for sex… if she likes what they cook, or maybe how they cook it.
On Cougar Equinox, we delved deeper into Sally’s quirky CougarSexuality—exploring how, as porn star Jamie Foster, she lives her Cougar fantasies to the sexual fullest—and we give cute cubbette Sunshine a bare-bottom OTK (over-the-knee) spanking over all four of our knees.
Sally enjoys her Cougar lifestyle for a number of reasons, not least of which is that it provides a constant source of comedy for her show. Laughter is a mental orgasm, after all.
She also likes the regular orgasms that come with the Cougar life. The “mature woman” of Ben Franklin’s wet dreams, Sally seems to genuinely appreciate the sexual energy and drive of younger men, and the fact that they don’t try to control her very free spirit (as older guys tend to do), at least not outside the bedroom—where she kind of likes to be controlled.
Now she hunts for her “prey” online, as well as everywhere else. She’s also picked up a few younger guys right here in Bonoboville, not that that’s a huge challenge.
Along with common chimpanzees, bonobos are the closest Great Apes to human.
But while common chimps are patriarchal with older females being at the bottom of the hierarchy, among bonobos, the mature females are at the top, in charge, respected and usually beloved by all.
They’re almost all mothers, so you could call them MILFs—and I often do! They’re also Cougars, as these mature bonobo females also tend to be bold and confident in their pursuit of younger partners (male and female) and, of course, they love sex.
It’s amazing! Bonobos are the only Great Apes that have never been seen killing each other in the wild or captivity, in part, because Bonobo Cougars are in charge of life in Bonoboville.
I often say that that we humans would be better off if we could release our inner bonobos and follow the Bonobo Way, not just because we’d have more fun in life, but because bonobos hold the keys to a world without war. Cougarsexuality is one of those keys.
Cougar Power
From glittering palaces to wild jungles, Cougars are everywhere.
If you’ve really read this far (and didn’t just skip to the bottom), congratulations! You’re now a Cougar/cub sexpert.
As the Coronapocalypse continues to rage, with public spaces opening up, closing down and then opening back up again, you might have a couple questions about masks…
Should you wear a mask?
Answer: Whether or not you wear a mask is up to you, just like whether or not you wear pants is up to you. You don’t have to do either, but there are consequences.
In the case of no pants, you could get kicked out of places, arrested and/or catch cold. In the case of no mask, you could also suffer all of the above, except instead of just a cold, you could catch Covid-19.
Or you might give it to someone. Maybe someone you care about.
So, personally, I join with the countless scientists and other experts who say YES, you certainly *should* wear a mask when you are closer than ten feet to any breathing human with whom you’re not sheltering, especially if you’re indoors.
But don’t panic! This is not a life sentence. At least, I hope it isn’t. However, better a life sentence than a death sentence.
Lucky for all of us, vaccinations appear to be going pretty well. At first, they were rolling out with the speed and focus of an inebriated elephant threading a needle. But every day, more and more people are getting vaccinated. I received mine, and as soon as you can, you should get yours!
So, there’s hope. Keep in mind that a few years after the deadly, masked-up Influenza of 1918, the world exploded into the sexy, mask-free Roaring Twenties—with hot flappers, cool jazz and wild “speakeasies.” So, stay positive!
But be realistic. The death count is over 500,000 and rising, and new Coronavirus strains are continuing to emerge.
Whatever the future holds, if you want to keep yourself and others relatively safe right now, even if you’re vaccinated, you have to cover that kissable mouth and adorable nose of yours with something. Or maybe two somethings. The experts are now encouraging double masking.
That said, I can’t *make* you wear a face mask (let alone two), even via strict domination combined with erotic hypnosis using your favorite fetish as a trigger word. However, stores, take-out restaurants and other establishments have every right to require that you wear a mask within their walls.
That means you either 1) insist on your right to bare your cheeks while the staff (or security cam) films you, making a fool of your totally exposed (and probably bright red) face all over social media, or 2) you do the right thing and wear a damn mask.
Need to talk about masking up, navigating your sex life, relationships, fantasies and realities during the Coronapocalypse? Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime: 213.291.9497. We’re here for you.
Comfort Is Sexy
Having dispensed with Question #1, let’s move on to…
#2: Now that you know you ought to wear a damn mask, how can you make it more fun? With face coverings as “essential” an article of clothing as shoes or underwear (nothing against going commando, but you get the idea), how can you make them more comfortable, cool, effective and most important, SEXY?
Sexy? Say what? Thanks to their practical function, it’s hard for most of us to imagine face masks as something fun, let alone sexy.
But the Coronapocalypse has already drained so many pleasures from life; we need to find them wherever we can. So, why not in our face masks? As a sexologist, I believe it’s important to our sexual health and well-being to make masks sexier.
I for one never look at a guy in a mask and think, “What a weakling! I bet he’s really bad in bed.”
Start with comfort, which is a key to feeling and looking sexy. Let’s be honest: Masks aren’t always comfortable. This is why many people won’t wear them, and the politics is just “patriotic” window-dressing for their feelings. Privileged individuals especially, accustomed to getting their way in life, feel their personal physical comfort to be a top priority, usurping even their own safety, as well as the safety of others.
It’s amazing how many people who wiggle themselves into skyscraper heels or strangling neckties find facemasks unbearably uncomfortable. Fortunately, some very creative people are designing more and more comfy coverings, so perhaps the comfort cravers will soon be satisfied. And it’s a step towards making masks sexy!
Personal Note: Though masks may be uncomfortable, they’re far less uncomfortable than a ventilator. Believe me; I’ve been on one.
Triggered by Masks
“Nothing is more real than the masks we make to show each other who we are.” – Christopher Barzak
For many people, mask mania is more emotional than physical. Some feel *triggered* by masks because they’ve heard (possibly from a certain former U.S. President) that they represent a terrible infringement on their *freedom.*
It’s true that many societies throughout history have made prisoners wear inhuman “masks of shame” and hoods, like those detainees have been forced to wear in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo and other military prisons. So, these fears of forced masking are not totally baseless, though they have been warped to fit certain political agendas.
Just remember folks, we’re not prisoners of war here! We’re in a pandemic, and we’re being asked to cover our mouths and noses to protect ourselves and our neighbors, not to punish or imprison us.
Another twisted notion is that wearing a mask makes someone appear “weak.” In reality, caring for the health and well-being of others is anything but “weak.” I for one never look at a guy in a mask and think, “What a weakling! I bet he’s really bad in bed.”
However, belief can be a powerful force, even if it’s wrong, unscientific and has more to do with fear and fantasy than reality.
Behind every mask there is a face, and behind that a story. – Marty Rubin
For some, anti-mask fervor arises from peer pressure; the people in your family, team, neighborhood, political party or religious group actively despise liberals, “political correctness,” socialism and masks, so you do too.
Then, sprinkle a little physical discomfort with that fear of weakness, stirred up within a fervent anti-mask cult that believes the earth is flat, the election was “stolen,” vaccines are the mark of the beast and masks are a government plot to “muzzle” the populace, and the next thing you know you’re storming a shopping mall, demanding your “right” to show off your fuming, spitting mug to folks who really don’t want to see it, let alone be spit on by it.
Refusal to wear a mask indoors during a pandemic is, in this humble sexologist’s opinion, worse than refusing to wear pants… or a seatbelt, both being illegal in the U.S.
It’s more like insisting on your “right” to drive while drunk, endangering not only yourself, but everyone who happens to be on the road with you.
Nevertheless, it’s disingenuous to say that mask-wearing is “nothing” or “no big deal.” Let’s all just acknowledge, it’s a pain in the ass. Well, the face.
Like any article of clothing, comfort depends on style, fabric and fit. Some masks are so bad, wearing them is like having sex while wearing a too-tight condom or, even worse, a too-baggy one.
Actually, in a way, wearing a mask to prevent the spread of COVID-19 is like wearing a condom to prevent the spread of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) or STIs (sexually transmitted infections). For one thing, condoms aren’t terribly comfortable, so why do we wear them? Very often it’s because our partners insist, “No glove? No love.”
The Coronapocalyptic equivalent might be, “No mask? Don’t even ask!”
In fact, Germans have come up with a new term for masks, “gesichtskondom,” or “face condom.” It’s an article of clothing that protects the wearer and others from disease and the exchange of bodily fluids, so it really *fits*!
Also, like a condom, it’s important to wear your mask correctly. Otherwise, it’s pretty useless. Many of those politicians who look dumb (and not at all sexy) in their facemasks are just wearing them wrong.
Don’t wear a mask like this
Actually, the Former Guy mostly masked up like this
This Guy isn’t perfect, but at least he knows how to wear a mask (and hold hands)
Here’s how to do it
Which is sexier?
Mask Do’s & Don’ts
Make sure your nose is covered and that the mask fits your face snugly, but not so tight, it’s uncomfortable. For combining comfort with protection, choose a breathable, but protective fabric.
Does wearing a mask or a condom makes things completely safe? No, just safer. It’s like we used to say back in the 1990s: There is no such thing as absolutely “safe sex.” There’s only safer sex through outercourse, phone sex and condoms. A condom doesn’t guarantee protection from an STI—after all, the condom could break, or you could put it on or take it off sloppily— so wearing a mask doesn’t guarantee you won’t get or give someone COVID.
In the Coronapocalypse, there is no such thing as absolutely “safe” living. Only safer living through hand-washing, physical-distancing and wearing a damn mask.
Masks can be as liberating as they can be confining.
Masking up is nothing new. What history peeks out at us from behind the masks we wear today?
Hint: Some of it has to do with sex appeal…
Who Was That Masked Man—or Woman?
Humans have been wearing masks since prehistoric times for disguise, protection, performance and seduction. In the Coronapocalypse, we think of our facemasks primarily for protection against COVID-19, but there’s no reason we can’t enjoy them for the other three purposes too.
Hold-up; by “disguise,” I don’t mean you should disguise yourself with facemask to rob your local convenience store. It’s true that one of our most common conceptions of facemasks stems from images of bandits concealing their identities with a bandana before holding up a bank.
Unfortunately, in the Coronapocalypse, some modern thieves have exploited the mask mandate to do just that. This pandemic economy is particularly unjust for the poor and has made desperados out of many otherwise decent people, but that’s no excuse!
Side note: Anti-maskers who believe the “Deep State” is making us wear masks to “control” us are ignoring the simple fact that covering your face makes you harder to identify and control by the government, bots, scanners or your local store clerk. That’s why thieves have always masked up for disguise.
As long as you don’t commit crimes, you might enjoy the fact that your face mask “disguises” you to some degree. If you’re shy, anonymity can even be an aphrodisiac; that’s one reason so many masked revelers have long loved Venetian and Brazilian Carnavale.
In this sense, masks can be as liberating as they can be confining. You might like going out incognito, wearing a dark, mysterious mask with matching shades, like a spy in a romantic thriller. But please, no stealing, no stalking and no ammosexual accessories (you’re not really a spy)!
Veneztian Carnavale Face Mask
Lentin German Masked Parade
Rainbow Masquerade
Masked Pussy Cat
Mask-Up USA!
Remember that TP shortage?
Kinky Leather Mask Halter
Mask & Pussy Hat (Vulva Puppet on My Head)
Sexy Masculine Masker
Double Masking
Agwa Aztec Mask
Hopeless romantic? The Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute can help you with your romantic issues, your fantasies, problems and pleasures. Need to talk about something you can’t talk about anywhere else? We can help. Give us a call at 213.291.9497.
Weapons of Masked Seduction
“If you want to say something and have people listen then you have to wear a mask.” – Banksy
Masks have long been an integral element of theater.
The oldest mask ever discovered dates back 9000 years to 7000 BCE, but the art of making and wearing masks is far older, visible in 30,000-year-old paleolithic cave drawings. Because these prehistoric masks were made of perishable materials like leather and wood, they didn’t survive, but we can see by the cave drawings that the earliest uses of masks were for performance, dance, ceremonies and rituals. Whether dazzling, comforting or frightening, all of these face coverings conveyed some kind of artistic, “magical,” seductive appeal.
Prehistoric masks were the first Weapons of Masked Seduction.
Such theatrical masks continued to be worn in the ancient Greek Dionysian Festivals, Medieval Passion Plays, Guy Fawkes, the Phantom of the Opera and beyond.
Let your body talk. Since people can’t see your face, they will pay more attention to the rest of you.
Personally, I’ve always loved theatrical masks, since I was a Theater Studies major at Yale, especially in the Italian Commedia Dell’Arte tradition, and eventually in my own Commedia Erotica style.
Over the years, as I put on hundreds of masks to assume different roles and for the sheer, playful pleasure of masquerade. Honestly, I never dreamed I’d be wearing a mask to protect me and those around me from death-dealing microbes. But my masked theater experience does give me ideas for making masks—even face masks—fun and sexy.
Many of our theatrical Comic-con culture’s greatest superheroes—from Zorro to Batman—also wear sexy masks, aka “domino masks,” but they tend to go around the eyes instead of over the mouth, Spiderman and the Flash being notable exceptions.
Have you ever worn a mask in a play, cosplay, film, masquerade party, on Halloween, Mardi Gras, Purim, Carnival or Carnavale? Perhaps you *played* a trickster, sexpot, superhero or alter ego. Did it make you feel less inhibited, more adventurous, less constrained by your usual worries of what people might think of you because the real, identifiable *you* was partially hidden?
Take that party-mask energy into face-mask-wearing, and you’re almost guaranteed to be sexy.
Let your body talk. Since people can’t see your face, they will pay more attention to the rest of you. So, if you’re not already a dancer, model or bootcamp graduate, straighten up that saggy posture and learn to move like you mean it!
Pretend you’re a costume designer choosing accessories; wear a mask that either matches your outfit or contrasts with it in an appealing way.
Goddess Soma puts Audrey Holiday in a latex Piggy Mask before flogging her
Bonobos can catch Corona, but they can’t wear masks
Masked Rainbows
Who says you can’t show your cheeks?
Masked Striptease
Bonobo Mask with Trumpkin
Jesus would have worn a mask
So Hot: Naked with a Mask
Of course, these cartoon penis masks and vulva art facemasks are great comic erotic conversation-starters (though maybe not church or family gatherings!).
Variety is the spice of life, sex and theater. Wearing the same mask every day is not only very unhygienic, it’s boring. Between utilitarian, fancy, romantic, scary, kinky and crazy, you can wear different masks to suit your varied moods… or perhaps seduce someone special.
But please don’t throw your used facemasks out the car window! The Coronapocalypse is just another aspect of devastating climate change in the Anthropocene. Don’t make it worse by polluting the environment with your dirty old facemasks. Wash used masks or try facemasks like 4ocean, which are recyclable, and the support frames provide extra comfort.
Masks in Asia
Western cultures, with their focus on individual—and corporate—freedom mixed with scorn for “big government” and socialism, appear to have the most trouble persuading their citizens to wear a damn mask.
Even though the idea that our leaders are trying to enslave us through facemasks is extremely illogical and unlikely (they have other ways…), it carries a lot of weight, especially in the United States, Brazil and Europe.
In contrast, East Asian cultures tend to prioritize the welfare of the community over the freedom of the individual. In most Asian countries, wearing a facemask is a sign of discipline, respect and social responsibility, not weakness.
I’d prefer everyone go naked… well, except for the face mask, right now, of course.
Many East Asians have been masking up in public for years to protect themselves and others from airborne sickness and pollution. I imagine some of them also enjoy the psychological “protection” and anonymity masks provide for individuals in crowded public spaces.
Maybe this is why, as of this writing, Asian death rates from COVID-19 are considerably lower than in the West.
Masking Up for God
Covering the bottom half of the face is popular in the Muslim world, but not because of the pandemic. In traditional Islamic culture, many women wear a veil that covers the whole face except for the eyes, such as the niqab or burqa. Westerners tend to think of the Muslim veil as oppressive, and it can be since it is often required nonconsensually, and only of women, rarely of men.
Personally, I’m not a fan of any kind of cover-up, especially on so-called “moral” grounds. I’d prefer everyone go naked… well, except for the face mask, right now, of course.
My views are based on philosophical as well as personal experience wearing a burqa. When I was 19, I went on a hippie-ish trek through Asia and, while wandering through the rather devout city of Kandahar, Afghanistan, a friendly shopkeeper gifted me with a burqa. I put it on over my clothes and continued my walk around the marketplace, only to collide with another burqa-clad lady and a fruit stand. Nobody was hurt, but the lady was pretty annoyed, I had to pay for a dozen damaged melons, and I never wore a burqa again.
I felt like I was inside a smothering, billowing tent covering everything except for a small window for me to look through, and even that tiny opening was covered with a crisscross fabric, so I felt like I was trying to see through fishnet stockings. Not my style.
Nevertheless, my research and experience as a sex therapist tells me that many women have no such impaired vision issues, and some are actually empowered by wearing the veil. It helps them to feel protected, in control, mysterious, special… and sexy! Some Muslim women tell me that they enjoy being able to choose with whom they share the special gift of their naked face.
On the other side of the tent, many Muslim men say that seeing a veiled woman arouses them precisely because that which is hidden is enticing. It presents a question: What does she look like? And of course, they want to know the answer.
I still don’t like that so many orthodox Muslim communities make women wear the veil for religious reasons—sometimes under pain of violent punishment. On the other hand, Islam isn’t the only religion to force its practices on its adherents. And in terms of the current question—How to Make Masks Sexy?—Westerners can learn a lesson from this undoubtedly sexist, but sometimes intriguingly sexy, Islamic custom.
Takeaway: Wear your facemask like a veil that erotically empowers you.
Though a facemask should cover your mouth and nose—and often the chin and cheeks as well—it usually doesn’t cover your eyes. This can be key to making your mask sexy.
As the “windows to the soul,” your eyes are your most powerful Weapons of Masked Seduction.
You could think of your mask as a fan, “making eyes” over it, coquettishly. Whether you make “Smize” (“smiling eyes,” as coined by Tyra Banks), sultry “smokey eye,” cute puppy dog eyes, or squinty tough-guy eyes, you can communicate volumes without moving your lips.
Speaking of lips, you don’t have to put on lipstick while wearing a mask… and you probably shouldn’t as it will smear in all the wrong ways (unless you’re wearing smear-proof). Some good news for folks who get tired of smiling through pain or boredom; you can relax your mouth muscles more with a mask on!
But if you really want to be mask-sexy, you probably ought to step up your eyeliner, shadow, lashes, mascara, etc. routine. Unless you’re wearing dark goggles, your eyes tend to be visible. Careful about how you put on and remove your mask, or you might take off a false eyelash along with it (I’ve done that!).
Masks So Scary They’re Sexy
Yes, scary masks can be very sexy on the right person in an arousing scenario.
Always keep things consensual and safe and try not to trigger traumatic memories with your masked fun and games.
That said, a pinch of fear is like spice in your enchilada… though too much spoils the meat.
There are a million sexy monsters to choose from; just make sure your monster mask covers your nose.
Scared of sex? The Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute are here to help. Whether your fears are well-founded, pure paranoia or something in between, we can help. Give us a call anytime at 213.291.9497.
The Plague Mask
Perhaps the quintessential “scary mask” for the Coronapocalypse is the “Plague Mask.”
Somewhere between sinister and magical, with an elongated, bird-like beak and large, circular eyeholes, sometimes framed by crystals, the “Plague Mask” was originally worn during the 17th century (not the Middle Ages, as many believe) to protect “plague doctors” from catching the disease that was killing their patients.
The giant leather beak shielded the wearer’s mouth and nose, somewhat like a facemask, plus it was filled with fabric soaked in aromatic herbs that were supposed to ward off germs, but really just helped “mask” the stench of sickness and death.
Even prior to the Coronapocalypse, some people wore stylized plague masks to parties, fetish balls and during kinky play. Now, they’re even more popular, in different colors with sexy embellishments like feathers and glitter.
So… have yourself a ball! Though if you want to stay safe, wear a regular face mask under your plague mask.
Fetish Masks
Speaking of fetish balls, the mask has long been an important article of kinky clothing in the BDSM world.
These range from a Mistress’ glittery party mask, such as those seen in old Lasse Braun loops or that ritual orgy in Eyes Wide Shut, to a slave’s full-coverage leather or latex bondage hood.
Fetish masks of this kind have long been associated with kink, sexual fantasies and taboo trysts. They can be used to enhance sexual experiences and consensual power exchange, especially in roleplay, as punishment, reward or even just for style.
Besides being kinky, fetish masks help to keep the wearers totally or somewhat anonymous and so, like the Carnavale masqueraders, they feel freer to express their true sexual selves.
One ironic erotic benefit of masks is the way they enhance certain senses through sensory deprivation. For instance, if you’re blindfolded, your sense of hearing, touch and smell are enhanced.
A face mask doesn’t deprive you of a particular sense in that way. However, there are two things you can’t do while wearing a facemask, and those are eating and drinking.
This is, of course, a big inconvenience, but it has its benefits.
That’s not meant to be “fat-shaming,” but to encourage people to provide a little less of an appetizing meal for these crowned critters to feast upon.
Masks can be beautiful, mysterious and even romantic.
A kiss through facemasks deprives the kissers of the taste and touch of each other’s tongues, thereby—via the *magic* of sensory deprivation—enhancing their sense of each other’s aroma.
Warning: Kissing through masks isn’t COVID-safe; it’s just a fun way for couples who are self-isolating together to connect while out and about.
“Self-isolating together” has become a special kind of commitment, a “Love in the Time of Coronavirus” that is both more and less serious than marriage.
My “prime mate,” Capt’n Max, and I are self-isolating together, but we wear masks when we’re around other people, and it feels very romantic to kiss “through” our masks.
An image of a husband-and-wife team of nurses wearing masks, vizors, gloves and gowns as they embrace went viral (so to speak) early in the pandemic.
Looking at it and seeing the love and romance combined with discipline and service that it conveys, still brings tears to my eyes.
Make Masks Sexy!
The human face is, after all, nothing more nor less than a mask. – Agatha Christie
Why is it so important to “make masks sexy”?
I’ll let someone who tweeted that I looked “immensely kinky” in my GasMaskGirl gas mask, answer that question, “Dr Susan if you can convince people to wear masks to prevent airborne contagion of Covid-19, you might have saved many lives.”
It’s funny, but for some people, kink and sex are greater motivators than matters of life or death.
If I can help reduce the spread of the dreaded virus by showing how sexy and kinky a face mask can be, I’m thrilled.
Take It Off!
Remember, masks are not forever. They’re not even for all day.
There comes a time, in the course of a day or during a romantic relationship, when you take off the mask. Though I’ve been talking up how sexy masks can be, there’s no denying that taking off the mask can be even sexier.
In the Coronapocalypse, it should also be very special, something you only do close-up with someone you trust, at a point when you know you are both COVID-free.
In these masked-up times, removing your mask to expose your face (when you’re in a safe space) sexier than a striptease.
But before you take it all off, be sure to put that sexy mask on. It just might save your (sex) life.
Need to talk? However you feel about masks, relationships and sex in the Coronapocalypse, you can talk to the Therapists Without Borders at the Dr. Susan Block Institute. Call us anytime at 213.291.9497. We’re here for you.
Modern love, sex and dating have always been tricky to navigate. But the Coronapocalypse has turned a rough path into a veritable obstacle course.
That’s why I created this “Guide for the Perplexed” (with apologies to Maimonides).
The good news is a vaccine is around the corner. But in the meantime, how can you make it through the pandemic, achieve your relationship goals, satisfy your dating desires and have a good time running this crazy course without falling flat on your unmasked face into an infected puddle?
Say you’re single. You want to connect with other singles for dating, a relationship, love, lust, kink, intimacy, marriage, holiday festivities or just for fun. What could be more natural and good for you?
Except in a pandemic, when it’s all fraught with danger, worry and hassle at every level. First, there’s the physical risk: you could catch Covid-19, die, get sick and/or infect other people. Then, there’s the mental turmoil: even if you don’t catch it, you might be extremely stressed out by the thought of catching it, maybe even paranoid to the point of social paralysis.
Dating in a pandemic is like taking a bite of the forbidden fruit. It might taste delicious, but it could toss you into a wilderness of trouble. It’s not a foregone conclusion that you’ll catch Covid-19 if you kiss, hold hands, share a meal, a drink, a dance, a spank or a roll in the hay, but is it a risk worth taking?
Then again, maybe you don’t care. Perhaps you don’t believe you’ll catch Covid-19 or that it’s even real. Here at the Institute, we think you’re wrong, of course, but just say, for argument, we don’t know what’s right or wrong. Still, even if you believe “Covid-19 is a hoax,” you’re trying to meet “new people” in a dating world where most folks think you’re nuts and/or pretty irresponsible.
Not a good dating look, except maybe for QAnon Singles.
For most of us, neither of the extreme alternatives—being a complete shut-in or throwing caution to the wind and out the window—is very appealing.
The question is, how might you minimize the risk while living your life, if not to its fullest, at least to a degree it’s worth living? How do you get close to someone new while everyone’s playing physical “keep away” on a grand scale? How can you satisfy your personal, interpersonal and sexual needs under these crazy, impersonal, sex-negative, date-demolishing conditions?
Need to talk about dating, mating, self-love, fantasies, fetishes, problems, pleasures or anything else that you can’t talk about with anyone else? You can talk to us. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime 24/7 at 213.291.9497. We’re here for YOU.
Let’s NOT Get Physical
First, let’s establish our terms. “Social-distancing” is a misleading misnomer. It makes it sound like we have to stop socializing, communicating, connecting with or caring about one another. That’s not very bonobo, or very human, let alone conducive to love, sex and/or dating.
Here at the Institute, we prefer the term “physical distancing,” which is bad enough, but not as bad. To “flatten the curve” or just minimize risk, we need to “physically distance” ourselves from each other—maintaining a physical distance of six feet or so, unless we’re masked up, and even then, it’s best to forego close physical contact.
Unlike the virtual “viruses” that “infect” our digital systems, the Coronavirus is a physical bug. Therefore, we don’t have to do “social distancing” at all! We can maintain, deepen and expand our social relationships, including dating, mostly through our otherwise demonic devices to our social-lite/influencer hearts’ content.
Yes, our devices can be vices—bad habits, stupefying sources of alienation, depression, misinformation and a host of other social ills. But in our battle against COVID-19, they are proving to be lifesavers, a vital means of communication, a loneliness balm, a method of connecting, a means to let off steam, and a way to stay or get in touch without touching.
It’s still possible for singles to meet physically—and very romantically—like the “Romeo and Juliet” of the Italian Coronapocalypse who actually met on their respective balconies during a lockdown—in the city of Verona where Shakespeare’s play takes place! Unlike the Bard’s star-crossed lovers, this Romeo and Juliet’s tale has a happy ending, and now they are engaged.
But alas, we don’t all have balconies positioned fortuitously across from eligible singles or that kind of sheer luck.
If you’re politically motivated, you might meet someone at a protest, one of the few types of large gatherings that’s allowed during quarantine. At least, then you know they share your political views.
But the great majority of in-person events have been cancelled or postponed and most bars, clubs, hotels, nonessential stores and restaurants are closed. Gone are the days of hooking up with a hottie at the club. Gone is the fated rendezvous at the local bookstore or coffee shop.
As for something to do together on that first, second or 10,000th date, gone are those simple nights of “dinner and a movie.”
Hopefully, this state of human physical isolation is temporary, and the new vaccine will free us soon to meet again. But right now as of this writing, the American Covid-19 death and hospitalization count is surging, it feels like the physical world has become a vast social wasteland as the virus, like Thanatos the Angel of Death, sweeps its poisonous way, through our lives.
Virtues of Virtual Dating
In the meantime, just beyond the physical world, there’s a gigantic universe of souls awaiting your connection just a few keyboard strokes or phone pad taps away.
Hopefully, those “souls” are connected to real living human beings and not bots or fake accounts. Such is one of the many risks of dating in cyberspace.
It’s a risk well worth taking, especially during a pandemic when, outside of balconies, protests and masked-up meetings in Whole Foods, there isn’t much choice.
For many singles, that means a dating app. The type of app depends on what you’re looking for, some temporary fun or marriage and a family? For instance, if you’re looking for a more serious relationship, you might try Hinge, which allows you to set your relationship preferences, then curates your matches in terms of ideals and interests, lowering your chances of being matched with Mr., Ms. or Dr. Wrong. It also recently added a “Date from Home” feature, which allows you to video chat with people you’ve messaged.
Regarded by many as the Holy Grail of hookups, Tinder is one of the biggest dating sites. Perhaps because it’s so popular, it can involve a lot of swiping before you find someone worth putting on your mask, not to mention getting off your couch, to break quarantine and actually meet.
In most societies, though we ladies tend to flirt with our eyes (still possible, even with a mask!), men are traditionally expected to initiate verbal contact. The Bumble dating app bucks tradition by only allowing women to send the first message, i.e., make the first move. If the woman doesn’t respond to the match in 24 hours, the connection is lost. This is very bonobo in terms of female empowerment, giving women some control in a time where many are bombarded with unwanted messages and, let’s face it, dick pics (precursors to Zoom Dick, they’re still flourishing and mostly nonconsensually). However, what’s great for some isn’t the best for others, and Bumble can be frustrating for shy gals and more dynamic guys.
OK Cupid is considered best for providing accurate matches based on preferences, sexual orientations and gender identities. It lets you set your preferences regarding family, religion, political leanings (crucial these days) and Zodiac sign. It even lets you use certain Covid stances, like lack of Covid safety, as deal-breakers. The main problem with OK Cupid is that, unlike Tinder or Bumble, you may get caught in an avalanche of unwanted messages.
Just like love itself, no dating site is perfect for everyone.
What about special interests? According to a recent article by Digital Trends, top sites catering to hobbies or orientations include Kippo, (for gamers), HER (LGBTQ+ women), Pure (good for hookups) or NuiT (astrology buffs), and then there are the more traditional websites like Match and Plenty of Fish which still lead the pack in popularity for singles of all ages seeking relationships of all kinds.
Advertising for Love
Just about all of these dating apps and sites require that you post at least one photo and a description of yourself. If you’re not used to singing your own praises without sounding like a lame duck, this could be a daunting task.
If you need some guidance, check out my classic book, Advertising for Love: How to Play the Personals (William Morrow Publishers). It may be over 35 years old, but it predicted the current online dating boom and, though dating apps are a lot quicker than those old newspaper personal ads, you still have to write something catchy, not too threatening, humorous but not offensive, honest but enticing. With all the advances in technology, you’re still essentially advertising for love.
Of course, you don’t have to confine your search for a soulmate, addition to your polycule, hot phone sex or whatever your locked-down heart desires to dating apps. Lots of people meet the new love of their life on “traditional” social media sites, like Twitter or Instagram, or hook up with old flames through Facebook (links go to my accounts because, hey, I’m always looking to make new friends!). But no, LinkedIn is not a dating service; no matter how awesome you think you are, don’t try to hook up with people hoping for job offers.
Speaking of mixing business and pleasure, don’t be like Jeffrey Toobin and catch a bad case of “Zoom Dick”—which can be worse than the virus… for your career. It’s usually best to keep your sex and dating life separate from your online business meetings, insanely aroused as you might feel around your co-workers. There are exceptions, such as if the “work” you’re engaging in is sex work or if you fall in love with a co-worker, and you’re both ready to deal with the consequences… but even then, you shouldn’t do the cyber-equivalent of PDA (public displays of affection) during a work meeting.
So, just take this as a general Zoom Dick Prevention rule, don’t pull it out in the wrong online meeting any more than you would on stage at a conference (hopefully you wouldn’t, and if you would, forget dating; you need sex therapy).
There’s nothing wrong with showing off sexually; just do it in the right, consensual situation. Some social media sites actually encourage you to let your kink flag fly. Whether you’re an experienced Top or bottom, or just a kink-curious newbie, these sites let you learn as you connect with people. Probably the most popular kink-positive social media site is Fetlife.
If you’re a little adventurous, check out Bonoboville, a great place to connect, show off, share your thoughts and/or find a prime mate!
Need to talk about dating, mating or anything else that you can’t talk about with anyone else? You can talk to us. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime 24/7 at 213.291.9497. We’re here for YOU.
Getting to Know You…
Once you’ve successfully advertised for love, and it appears some lucky person is interested in what you’ve got, congrats! Now it’s time to reap your dating reward and meet your potential mate IRL (in real life)… or is it?
In these treacherous times, most single people opt to build a rapport online before meeting in person. Many daters try Zoom, FaceTime or other forms of video chat before taking that next big step to an IRL rendezvous. This alleviates some mystery so at least you can be pretty sure you’re not getting catfished, and it also helps you to get to know each other before taking the plunge…into going out and about in the midst of a pandemic.
You may even choose to have the first few dates via video. Try a Zoom dinner (sure, Ramen’s okay, but do dress it up a bit) and a movie, cocktails, a smoke or whatever you’d like to share. Make it fun and festive, though splosh might be taking it a bit far…
Of course, it’s not as much physical fun as in-person dating someone awesome. But if you realize midway through your cyber-date that your date is an asshat, at least you don’t have to Uber your way home. You just have to come up with a credible excuse why you have to leave the chat a little early. Have a few excuses handy, as in “Oooohhhh… this Ramen Alfredo is making me sicko!” or “Uh oh, Fido just knocked over the trash, and there are hypodermic needles in the driveway—gotta go!” Do not say you just got a text from your sister that your Mom caught Covid; that’s bad taste and very bad luck.
One benefit of virtual dating is that your conversation won’t be drowned out by restaurant din, club music or the raging drunk at the other end of the bar.
Another plus: no awkward moments when you have to figure out who picks up the check. Hey, if you keep your camera focused on your upper half, you don’t even have to wear pants!
You may both feel so close, you decide to have cam sex or phone sex even before meeting IRL. That’s fine, just make sure the feelings are mutual and consensual before you strip down for your date. When in doubt, keep it “clean” and release your inner bonobo (tiger, horndog, pussy, anaconda or whatever applies) consensually, maybe in a webcam therapy session.
Going Out IRL
Eventually, unless you are both agoraphobic, you will want to meet IRL (in real life). At this point, you should know your date’s personality, philosophies, life goals, voice and appearance so well that the only thing that could turn one of you off is their smell. Then again, in the Coronapocalypse, you shouldn’t be getting close enough to detect such intimate aromas, at least not on the first IRL date.
If it was difficult to plan and carry out an in-person date before, it’s double-tough in the Coronapocalypse. A walk through the park six feet apart? A masked brunch?
If you’re cautious, you and your date should get a Covid test before meeting IRL. Yes, it’s a bit of a pain, but testing is getting easier in most places, and consider this: When you’re ready for sex, you’d probably get an STD test anyway, so with the pandemic, there’s just a little more testing involved.
Even if you’ve both tested negative and you’re (presumably) Covid-free, wear your mask on first dates which are probably in public places and might involve all sorts of other people. Best to continue physically-distancing, even if you’re both tested, and especially if you aren’t.
At least, if you live in a place where all the restaurants are closed, you’re not going to argue over where to eat!
So, what to do together… especially when your area’s in quarantine? Even in lockdown mode, most local governments let you walk your dog (Fido’s got to go!), so if you both have pooches, take them for a stroll together… six feet apart. Careful the canines don’t get too friendly though; nonhuman animals can catch Covid too.
True, it’s not exactly a “hot date.” But look at it this way: Good teasing and foreplay usually makes sex a lot better and orgasms much deeper. So maybe all this getting to know each other while physical-distancing will enhance your erotic relationship if and when you’re finally in each other’s arms and humping each other’s brains out.
No one’s saying it’s easy, but it’s possible to find love and lust in the Coronapocalypse, like AJ and Ronnie who met on the HER app. After getting to know each other virtually and then taking the necessary pandemic precautions, the pair, from two different states, decided to meet midway for a secluded night of hot romance… and as of this writing, they’re still sexy Pandemic Partners. As A.J. opines, “Who says you can’t find love in quarantine?”
It happened for them. It can happen for you.
Need to talk about dating, mating or anything else that you can’t talk about with anyone else? You can talk to us. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime 24/7 at 213.291.9497. We’re here for YOU.
Reach Out and Touch… Yourself!
Not everyone is up for the challenge of finding love or even lust in the Coronapocalypse. If you’re happy being single (at least, for now) or exasperated with advertising for love, maybe it’s best you use this “down time” for self-love and improvement.
Let’s start with self-improvement. Now’s a good time to get in shape (most gyms are closed, but you can exercise at home and take the time to eat healthier), start a new hobby, create some great Coronapocalyptic art, practice meditation, learn to play an instrument, write that screenplay that’s been in your head since you were 12, build a new business (not a restaurant or bar right now; something pandemic-friendly like an online shop), take a virtual class (how about a virtual kink class?), catch up on reading great books you never finished or watch some awesome old movies—all things likely to make you a more interesting, desirable partner by the time we get through this crazy pandemic and back into the swing of things.
What about “self-love”? The term means many different things, of course. These include noble ideals of self-development and self-acceptance, as well as the earthier reality of self-pleasure.
It’s great to exercise, eat healthy and “love yourself” platonically. But loving yourself erotically is also good for you, and it’s natural. Aside from grasping tree branches and smartphones, human fingers are made for stroking, strumming… and self-loving!
As George Carlin said, “If God (or the Goddess) had intended us not to masturbate, S/He would have made our arms shorter”… and our fingers less adept.
Bonobo fingers are made for self-love too. You see our close Great Ape cousins, the bonobos, as well as other primates, doing it so much in the zoo (when the zoo is open, which most are not these days), you might want to tell them to “get a room.”
Of course, there’s no reason you can’t go bonobos for self-love all year around; but the Coronapocalypse is the perfect time for you self-love slackers to step up your game. Do it in memory of my beloved mentor, the Godmother of Masturbation, Dr. Betty Dodson, single for all but five of her 91 years, but never lacking for orgasms, thanks to her hands, her vibrator(s), a great imagination and a heart full of love.
In my not-so-humble opinion, if self-love doesn’t include a little quality masturbation time, you’re not fully self-loving. In fact, you’re cheating yourself of one of the best parts.
During isolation, you’re more than likely spending extra time with yourself, so why not really enjoy your own company? Exploring masturbation is the easiest, safest and most convenient way to enjoy sex during physical distancing, and also explore your body and desires. Just remember, wash your hands before you start choking that chicken or polishing that precious pearl!
According to the New York City Department of Health “You are your own safest sex partner.” As backed by health professionals, masturbating is the best and safest way to enjoy sex without physical touch. And…it can also boost your immune system. Right now is also the perfect time to try new toys and positions. Invest in yourself and your pleasure. There are plenty of places to buy toys and sexual enhancement products online, including Dr. Block’s Pleasure Shoppe (currently under construction, but check it out!).
Moreover, you don’t have to be “all by yourself” as you make self-love. Remember, we’re just physical-distancing, not social-distancing. So, feel free to socialize as you strum your sexual bass guitar, and maybe you’ll find someone to play with. As long as it’s consensual (no Zoom Dick work or family calls, please), like the old AT&T song said, you can “reach out and touch someone” (virtually)… while you touch yourself (literally).
Of course, self-pleasuring isn’t dating, though Zonker in Doonesbury calls it “self-dating.”
So, how will you go on this date with yourself? By car, plane, train or a bicycle built for two? What virtual sex medium is best for you?
Sex-a-Phone
Everyone has their preferred d’vice and method for erotic and/or intimate pleasures.
My personal favorite is good old-fashioned phone sex. It’s a lot sexier than abstinence, safer than a hazmat suit and very stimulating in a sapiosexual way. It’s aural sex. You can enjoy it with a new partner (if they let you know they’re game, please don’t just start moaning or heavy-breathing on a casual phone call) or with a professional service.
There should be no shame in calling a phone sex service for a little helping hand—especially in a pandemic! If you do feel ashamed of enjoying phone sex, well, then maybe you need phone sex therapy.
I love the phone so much I wrote a poem about it:
This is an Ode to My Telephone,
My plastic fantastic lover, my smooth operator, My companion, confidant, savior, friend. An ordinary yet revolutionary instrument
that I press intimately against my ear and mouth.
O, how I love thee, O Telephone, I touch your tones,
your push-buttons that beckon invitingly,
your mellifluous ring, your wiry ways,
your voluptuously curling chord,
your ever so receptive receiver,
your amazing ability to communicate!
To sing! To shout! To whisper secrets,
confessions, fantasies, intimacies we’d never reveal face-to-face. Around the world and into the new,
you transport my love,
O Telephone, I touch your tones… You are my aural paramour.
Obviously, I’m a phone freak: phone sex, phone therapy and just chatting on the phone with a friend. I love the intimate conversation steeped in the romantic mystery of that voice in the dark.
No doubt, the Coronapocalypse is lousy for most things, but it’s a great opportunity to explore new erotic horizons through phone sex.
Need to talk about anything that you can’t talk about with anyone else? You can talk to us. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime 24/7 at 213.291.9497. We’re here for YOU.
Cornoapocalyptic Cam Sex
If you’re more visual, go ahead and bump uglies on webcam. Why not enjoy some consensualZoom Dick—or Zoom Pussy—if it turns you on?
However, Zoom itself is not a great place to get naked. In fact, some Zoom sex parties have been busted, as they are in violation of the platform’s “acceptable use” requirements.
But fear not, there are many safe havens in cyberspace where you can release your inner exhibitionist consensually and without fear of being evicted from the platform by the Zoom Dick Police.
Hook several of you together in a cam multiplex and you can have a veritable webcam orgy!
Sexty Time
If you’re self-isolating in the family room with your parents or kids, you might want to forego the camming and get into sexting.
On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t be masturbating in the family room.
Lots of people like sexting these days, mostly because they’re used to texting. Also, it is quieter and much easier to do with other people in the room than phone sex or camming. Then again, maybe some Sext Machines believe their erotic utterances to be sheer poetry. Maybe they are!
Whatever the case, keep in mind that unlike phone conversations and webcam chats which are gone when you are (unless one of you hits record), sexts are almost always forever embedded in the memory of your—and your sext partner’s—phone.
This has proven highly problematic for many sext lovers, including celebrities.
But hey, if you don’t care if your auto-corrected declarations of passion and perversion are tweeted to the world, sext away!
Whatever your d’vice of choice, carve out some private space and time for sexting, phone sex or Zoom sex.
You might also benefit from erotic hypnosis (live or recorded) to help you enter the Erotic Theater of the Mind, achieve hands-free orgasm, or an enhanced sexual experience without touch.
Or just ditch the d’vices, and do it yourself.
Sometimes, with the right training and mindset, you can even hypnotize yourself. The possibilities are endless.
No Time Like NOW
If you haven’t self-loved yourself yet this pandemic, you’re overdue! Set the mood, buy yourself flowers and a dildo or vibrator, tell yourself you’re gorgeous (and make sure you really mean it!) give yourself a massage (c’mon, you can reach your feet) and make beautiful self-love.
You deserve it.
Whether you have a partner or not, don’t use the Coronapocalypse as an excuse to have bad sex or no sex.
So what are you waiting for? Wash up and get busy!
Need to talk about dating, mating, self-love, erotic hypnosis, fantasy roleplay, fetishes, problems, pleasures or anything else that you can’t talk about with anyone else? You can talk to us. Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime 24/7 at 213.291.9497. We’re here for YOU.
by Dr. Susan Block.
Bloody Mary in the morning? Cherry pie in the afternoon? Riding the Crimson Wave into the night and over the moon?
If you love Red Wings (hold the jalapeño), you’re already salivating. If you don’t, well, you may wish to be excused from this berry-stained episode of Sex Calls.
Though it’s gorily perfect for Halloween!
“Steve” is calling for my help with his fetish for “period sex.” Dr. Suzy as "Aunt Ruby" to the rescue! There’s nothing wrong with having sex – even cunnilingus, aka “red wings,” as Steve confesses he enjoys – when a woman is menstruating. In fact, it can be wonderful - albeit a bit messy - especially for the menstruating woman.
After all, period cramps can be painful, and an orgasm is an amazingly effective, organic painkiller.
Parting the Red Sea with Passion...
And then there’s the almost Biblical, extremely taboo aspect of period sex which I address in my Esther Story featured in The Erotic Edge, mingling the “blood of my affliction with the juice of my affection.”
Period sex can also be a “rare” pleasure for the Bloody Mary-loving man, a man like Steve, the primal wildness, the forbidden (sometimes called "unclean") flavors, the “war paint” aftermath and especially the earthly, womanly “scent.” Some guys even feel it gives them super powers.
Steve’s “concern” is that he is a self-described “sexually active male,” chowing down on “red wings” at two or three different restaurants - I mean, with two or three menstruating women at a time – well, not at the same time (that would be quite the Halloweengore fest!), but within a few days of each other.
At least Steve wears condoms, but still, blood sports are inherently dangerous for a range of reasons. For one thing, it’s “unsanitary,” I caution our bloodied love warrior. It’s also rather unsafe sex. “I believe you should respect your turn-ons,” I advise, “but I also believe you should respect your life… and their lives.”
Do you think Steve is weird? Perhaps, but this Red Wing Gourmet savors the fact that not many men have a taste for strawberry tamales - partly because it makes his lovers love him even more. “You found a niche,” I concur, “kind of like 'niche marketing'” - especially when you're as much on the "meat" market as Steve says he is.
Nevertheless, “everything in moderation,” I caution Red Sea surfer Steve. “Be an ethical hedonist… “While I want you to enjoy your fetish, I hope you can treat these women as real human beings and not just as founts of bloody passion.”
Those last four words seem to give Steve an instant erection. Nevertheless, he agrees that a monogamous relationship would be safest for having monthly period sex with the kind of wild abandon he adores.
Like most Sex Calls, this one is timeless, though it does reference my neopuritan nemesis Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’m also wearing a cap HBO gave me while my HBO special (rated #1 at the time), was running, so it was probably broadcast live around 1998.
Will Steve find himself the ultimate red wing(s)? Even if he does, will he be satisfied with just one? Find out in this vintage clip from the “SEX CALLS” broadcast archives of The Dr. Susan Block Show (circa 1998). This is NOT a call with actual therapy clients; those are absolutely private and confidential. This is a caller on our live Saturday night live show. For more information, call us at 626.461.5950. For current shows and other events, visit us at http://drsusanblock.com.