10 Steps to Receiving Your First Erotic Adult Spanking
- Make Sure You Want to Get Spanked
Ask yourself: Am I getting spanked because I really want to, or is somebody talking me into it? It’s okay if someone you trust respectfully encourages you to experience spanking, but if you feel coerced into something you don’t want, stop right there, get off your hands and knees, grab your keys and go home. Even if it turns you on to be very submissive, you should only receive a spanking because YOU want to get spanked.
- Make Sure Your Partner Wants to Spank You
In any BDSM play, it’s mostly about what the subbie wants, but the dominant partner’s needs and capabilities are important too. Does your potential spanker really want to give you the spanking you crave? They should be as excited about it as you—or at least, happy to give it a go, since it’s what you want. On the other hand, if they are wary or fearful, due to the past trauma of being spanked as a child, or if they just can’t get past the idea that spanking is “hitting,” and that even if it’s consensual, it’s “wrong”… then maybe this isn’t the perfect spanker for you. To learn how your potential spanker really feels about spanking, communication is key. Body language speaks volumes, but nothing beats (pun intended) asking “How do you feel about erotic adult spanking?”—perhaps in reference to an Internet post, our magazine or a “dream” you just had. Really listen to what they have to say, whether you like it or not. Be patient. Stay positive! You will find the happy spanker of your naughty dreams, or they will find you.
- Who Are You? Want to Roleplay?
Now that you know you’re happy and your partner’s happy, ask yourself: “Would I rather make believe that I’m unhappy?” That is, do you want your spanking to be a pretend punishment for being “bad” or “naughty,” or are you simply interested in exploring percussive posterior sensations? Do you imagine that you are a pouting brat, a tearful hostage, a naughty student, a disciplined slave, a tantric initiate, a cosplay superhero getting smacked by the villain, or are you “just you” being spanked erotically for the first time? Sometimes it’s easier to enjoy yourself when you “let your self go” and “play” an imaginary “role.” Then again, it might be better to just be yourself or, if you trust your partner and they’ve got creative roleplay ideas that excite you, go with their flow.
- Prepare Yourself & Your Gear
Whatever your spanking role in this play, it’s time to clean up your act! Unless your spanker requests a dirty spankee (literally), make sure your tushy and all surrounding areas are clean and fresh. This is a good idea, even if you plan to keep your pants on, since sometimes a sound spanking can bring out the body fluids, which is a good thing… unless you didn’t wash. What about wardrobe? Wear something you find sexy and spankable, perhaps a costume that fits your roleplay. A skirt to pull up and/or panties to pull down are all-time favorites. Some first-time spankees want the security of full coverage pants or pantyhose; others enjoy being stripped and shaved bare for maximum feeling and exposure. Whatever you prefer, prepare yourself accordingly. Though it’s usually the spanker’s responsibility to provide props for this play, if you have a certain special paddle, hairbrush or book (Bonobo Way, anyone?) with which you’d like to be spanked, bring it.
- What’s Your Safe Word & What are Your Ground Rules?
How far do you want to go? Think and talk about your “ground rules” before you start. Your spanking may happen spontaneously, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as it’s consensual. Isn’t it great when it “just happens”? Of course, but that doesn’t make a planned spanking inferior. In fact, in many ways, it can be better. Think about what kind of spanking you’d like and what you definitely wouldn’t like and tell your partner. Now’s also the time to establish boundaries and confess any medical conditions that could be affected by a sound spanking. Pick a safeword, and don’t be afraid to use it. A safeword should make it clear that you want the spanking to stop and stop now. Of course, you could say “stop,” but you might prefer a different word, so you can enjoy moaning “stop!” in character, but your spanker won’t stop… until you use that safeword. One popular choice is “red,” though lately, a lot of submissives are choosing the safeword “Donald Trump” to indicate that they’ve had enough.
- Assume the Position
There’s no rule that says you can’t change position, mid-spanking, and a degree of discomfort can make your spanking pleasantly kinky. However, this being your First Spanking, you should start out as comfortable as possible. After all, this should be a pain in the butt, not the neck. Consider both physical and emotional comfort, as well as roleplay factors, when choosing whether to go Over the Knee (OTK), over a piece of furniture (bed, couch, chair, desk or table, to name a few), up against the wall or standing spread-eagled tied to a St. Andrew’s Cross. You might also consider your spanker’s comfort, especially if they are older, smaller than you or physically challenged. But this is your First Spanking, so mainly consider your comforts. Once you’ve chosen a position, assume it as fully as possible, showing off that derriere, arching that back, maybe twerk that ass or keep it perfectly still—whatever arouses you and your spanker.
- Start Soft
Let your spanker know you’d like to start nice and easy, rather than hard and crazy. You can always go harder later, but you need a “warm-up” both physically (like with any form of exertion that “hurts so good”) and emotionally (spanking can bring up very deep feelings). This is mostly your spanker’s responsibility, but it’s your ass, so if you’re not sure they know how to start, tell them: Start softly, and go harder if and when you ask for it…. maybe even beg for it! This should be one of your Ground Rules, so you don’t have to “break character” once you get spanking. And if your spanker starts off too hard anyway, use that safeword.
- Give Feedback
Now that your spanking is underway, enjoy it! If all is going well, take a deep breath, and let yourself really fully experience that amazing spanking feeling all through your body. Don’t neglect to share the good news with your partner who, if they’re any good at this, is paying close attention to your responses as they spank. If you like it, don’t be too shy to moan, sigh or squeal in a positive way, or just say “I like it.” What if you don’t like it? Use your safe word and communicate this to your partner. Don’t suffer in silence (that’s the wrong kind of suffering!). If your spanker complains that you are “topping from the bottom,” you might want to politely get up off their lap and find another spanker who will respect you.
- Enjoy Sub Space
Are you enjoying your spanking? Congratulations! If you’d like more and harder, you can encourage your spanker to give it to you through your moans, squeals and saying “Oh yes!” You could even “beg” them for it. As the spanking heats up, if you feel you can trust your partner, you might relax and go into “sub space,” an altered state of bliss induced by submission to skillfully administered spanking, your endorphins rising to counteract the pain. Be careful, don’t fall off that lap now, but do enjoy your spanking experience. It can be a therapeutic treatment that’s as healing as a good massage. You might even have an orgasm, a “spankgasm.”
- Take After-Care
Whether you think you need it or not, after a good spanking—or especially after a bad one—you need after-care. Make sure your spanker understands this, so they will tend your wounded butt, get you a drink or a snack or just hold you and let you talk about your feelings. Or maybe you want them to admire your reddened ass as your show off their handiwork. If it’s a good spanking, you’ll definitely want after-care from your spanker, building trust and intimacy so that the next spanking will be even better. If it’s not so good, you might need to get away and get after-care from someone else. After-care is mostly for the spankee, but very often, the spanker also needs a form of “after-care,” in that they want and need to know that you’re okay, that the “terrible” spanking they just gave you was actually very nice. So give thanks for their good spanking in some way! If not right then and there because you’re just too overcome with emotion, then later. If you’re really not okay, let them know, with love, so they can improve their spanking sensitivity and abilities, with you or their next partner. Whether it was good or bad, don’t make any sudden moves after a spanking. Certainly don’t get spanked and drive; your blood count may be alcohol-free, but you might still be “drunk” on sub space.
10 Steps to GIVING Your First Erotic Adult Spanking
- Make Sure You’re Ready to Give a Spanking
You’re in charge, right? Well, yes, you’re the one doing the spanking, but if this is your First Time, you need to be in the right frame of mind. Even if you’re not sure if you’ll like it, you should want to give it a try. Nobody can physically make you spank them, but a wily submissive might manipulate you into giving a spanking you don’t want to give. This could trigger bad memories of being spanked or otherwise abused as a child, making it traumatic for you, making you feel fearful or angry. Do NOT spank someone in anger. If you’re angry, you need to cool off or talk, not spank. Erotic adult spanking should not be an outlet for your anger or a real punishment for so-called wrongdoing, and it certainly shouldn’t be abusive or disrespectful. It should be a mutual recreational pleasure… with a little bit of pain.
- Make Sure Your Partner Wants You to Spank Them
Now that you know you want to give a spanking, make sure your intended spankee wants to receive one… from you! This is a little trickier than Step 1, so you’ll need to communicate, usually with words, though not necessarily. For instance, if you’re already in a sexual relationship, you can try adding a little spank or two to your usual repertoire of caresses and squeezes, and see how your partner reacts. If they squeal or moan in a positive way or, better yet, if they say, “I like that!” you know you can go farther. You don’t have to draw up a spanking contract; if you’re already having sex, you can just add spanking slowly and organically. On the other hand, if you’d like to spank a friend, co-worker or acquaintance, you may need a contract. Seriously, make sure to get full, sober consent for whatever you want to do, for both of your sakes. Don’t skimp on this step! Consent is sexy.
- Who Are You? Just Yourself or Roleplaying?
Having confirmed consent, consider how you envision yourself giving a spanking. As a classic spanking master or mistress in leather or latex? Or are you more of a domestic disciplinarian, a CIA interrogator, an avenging superhero, a demanding boss, a paddle-wielding gym teacher or Stormy Daniels spanking Trump’s rump with a Forbes? Then again, you might just rather be your simple spanking hot self. When in doubt, ask your spankee what they’d like you to be, and try that role on for size. Do a little research, such as reading spanking erotica or watching videos in your spankee’s preferred genre, and let their desires mix with your imagination.
- Prepare Yourself & Your Stuff
You might like to be a dirty Dom, but you should clean your body, if not your mind, for the occasion. A manicure is a nice touch; nobody wants to be spanked by filthy, unkempt fingernails. Dress or undress according to your character and your spankee’s preference. You want them to submit to your spanking, and the right outfit—whether leather, latex, lingerie, suit, costume or uniform—can be an essential ingredient. Part of your preparation should be to learn how to spank properly. Ideally, you will have received a few spankings before giving one so you know what it’s like. You could also take spanking lessons so you learn where the “sweet spots” are (the lower, fleshy parts of the butt) and what to avoid (the kidneys). Have a medical kit nearby, just in case. Prepare some spanking implements, a paddle, crop, whip or flogger. Test your tools on yourself before using them on anyone else. Even if you plan to just use your hand, your partner might have a tougher hide than you realize, and your palm or wrist may give out before their derrière does. Make plans as best you can, but the best-laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned. Be flexible, and always have a Plan B.
- Establish the Ground Rules & Safeword
Giving your regular partner a few spanks on the butt during sex doesn’t require too many “rules” except to start light and pay close attention to their reactions. Doggystyle or Cowgirl are great positions for the penetrator to spank the penetratee, as the butt is most accessible to the penetrator. On the other hand, Missionary is the optimal position for the penetratee to spank the penetrator, spurring them on to thrust harder. If you do it spontaneously without formally asking, don’t neglect to ask later how your partner felt about it. If you aren’t in a sexual relationship, you’ll need more ground rules. Most of these should come from the spankee, but you might have a few rules yourself. If your partner is shy, draw them out and help them to establish sound boundaries. Find out if they have any medical conditions that might affect your spanking. Make sure your partner has a safe word; “Red,” “Blue,” “Trump,” “Mueller Time”—whatever it is, note it, respect it and stop everything if they say it.
- Assume the Position
Now you’re ready to spank. Woohoo! Help your spankee find a comfortable position that is also good for you. This could be Over-the-Knee (OTK), bent across the desk (or any sturdy piece of furniture) or standing up against the wall, legs spread, back arched. Consider how you will get the best leverage for maximum impact control. Size could be a factor; if your spankee is considerably bigger than you, OTK might be awkward, and over the couch a better “fit.” After confirming consent, you might adjust their position or outfit more to your liking and for easy accessibility. As you do this, you can heighten the anticipation by explaining how or why you are going to give the spankee a good spanking. Little by little, you are taking charge of their ass.
- Start Soft, Explore, Pay Attention
Do NOT come on swinging like a slugger in a boxing match. Start with soft taps, especially if you are bigger and stronger than the spankee. Accept the possibility that you may not know your own strength and take it slow. You can always go harder as they “beg for it.” Be sure to start with the buns. There are many parts of the body that could respond well to a spanking—the boobs, the genitals, the backs of the legs—but it’s best to begin with the bottom. God, the Goddess or Natural Selection seems to have “made” the lower, meatier part of the buttocks for spanking. Cup your hand as you spank for more resounding but less painful impact. In between smacks, caress and fondle the butt. You can even kiss that ass. You might also play with the spankee’s genitals or pull their hair—very lightly, to begin—if they like that. Spank lightly, explore and pay close attention to their vocalizations and body language. Let them be your guide
- Go Harder & Faster… Gradually
Congrats! If you’ve gotten to this Step, you’re doing pretty well as a first-time spanker. Now you have the challenge of upping the impact play without overdoing it. When in doubt, go back to light and soft, and for many first timers, that’s enough. But if both of you are enjoying it, you can rev things up, perhaps spanking harder, with implements, smacking body parts other than the butt or doing other things, like hair-pulling or nipple-pinching, while spanking. You might also rev up the roleplay, teasing and pleasing as you move into more dramatic, emotional areas, if it feels right. Even as you crank it up, keep it erotic by interspersing caresses and squeezes with hard spanks. Be careful not to hit the kidneys, other vital organs or the spine, and certainly don’t do anything that could cause real physical damage. And don’t worry about breaking character, if you feel you need to “check in” with your spankee’s physical or emotional state just to make sure they’re okay, even if they haven’t used their safeword. Better to be safe than so sorry you’ll never spank again!
- Take Feedback
As the spanker, you should frequently request feedback from your spankee, There may come a point, maybe after several spankings, where you know your spankee really well and you don’t need much feedback. Until that point, do not assume that you know how they are feeling—ever, and certainly not on your first time spanking them. If your spankee is shy and doesn’t give feedback easily, make an effort to draw them out. Whatever you do, don’t gag your spankee on your or their first foray into the wonderful, whacky world of spanking. You need to hear their feedback. If some of the feedback is critical of your spanking skills, try not to take offense or tell them they’re not submissive enough. Instead, consider it a learning experience, and your spankee is your teacher, even if they’re the one in the cheerleading skirt.
- Give After-Care
Always provide after-care to your spankee, whether you think they need it or not. This might entail talking—or more likely listening to them talk about how being spanked made them feel. It’s an important therapeutic release for them, but it’s also good feedback for you. After-care might also involve hugging, though if your spankee would rather not be hugged, don’t make them hug you. One fun part of after-care is checking out your handiwork on your spankee’s well-spanked bottom. Don’t skimp on the compliments if you want to spank them again. You might feel you need after-care too, after all that physical, mental and emotional exertion, so hopefully the after-care love will flow both ways. Nevertheless, it’s your responsibility as the spanker to make sure the spankee feels good and cared for, post-spanking. If you can do that, congratulations on giving your first consensual erotic adult spanking! With hopefully, more to come….
Need to Talk PRIVATELY about Spanking?
Call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime at 213.291.9497.
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